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Dublin: 15 °C Wednesday 20 June, 2018
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13 Brown Thomas products that will only appeal to people with serious notions

Careful now. This might increase your blood pressure.

1. Reduced from €2,400 to just €1,680 (what a steal), we’ve got this touch screen coffee machine.

PastedImage-44001 Source: Brown Thomas

You might think you’re fancy with your cafetiere from Arnotts or IKEA, but here’s a reminder that there are people out there who are light-years ahead of your coffee game. However, the joke’s on them, because you didn’t spend €1,700 on a coffee maker.

PastedImage-31761 Source: Brown Thomas

It’s very often the people who can afford to buy these coffee makers who think that millennials would be able to afford houses if they cut out coffee. Are we surprised?

If these people make one cup of coffee per day for one year with this machine, it comes to €4.60 per cup. That’s not even including the price of coffee beans. Those guys could probably afford a house with their savings from cutting out €5 coffees, but the rest of us are paying much less than that.

2. This €275 Diptyque diffuser.

You have a neighbour who thinks she’s great with her Jo Malone cup of smelly sticks and you want to take her down a notch. The only way to do so, is to spend €275 on an electric diffuser from Diptyque.

PastedImage-98774 Source: Brown Thomas

Perfect for the mam from that Leaving Cert Irish story Hurlamaboc.

3. Then we have a €216 knife sharpener.

For that price, you’d expect this to have your knives looking like the Hattori Hanzo blade from Kill Bill.

PastedImage-35659 Source: Brown Thomas

According to the product description, this rod is encrusted with diamond bits.

4. The same company also make a €148 ‘ham slicer’.

The product description says that this ham blade was hand-crafted in Japan. Is this Hattori Hanzo’s ham slicer?

PastedImage-19660 Source: Brown Thomas

The description also says that it’s “essential” to add to your collection. How have we all managed to get by without this essential piece of equipment?

5. If you have €455 to spare, you could buy a black John Rocha bowl to use as a centrepiece.

This was originally €650. You’d get a nice off-season holiday to Portugal for that price, but some people would rather have a bowl.

PastedImage-10715 Source: Brown Thomas

A must-have for potpourri connoisseurs.

6. For €164.50, you can get two matching champagne flutes.

Just two. €82.25 per glass. And you obviously can’t even put it in the dishwasher afterwards. It’s also black, so the likelihood of you spotting a black fly in your chardonnay is greatly reduced, much to Alanis Morrisette’s disappointment.

PastedImage-89706 Source: Brown Thomas

7. Then we’ve got this €48 photo frame (reduced from €60).

Now this isn’t the most outrageous product on the Brown Thomas website, but we really can’t help but think that this was priced by Lucille Bluth.

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Some people out there think that the normal price for a single photo frame is €50.

PastedImage-75751 Source: Brown Thomas

These are the same people who ask the minimum wage workers serving them in department stores for €9.25 an hour why they look so tired. It would take a significant amount of the Irish population six hours of work to be able to afford this simple photo frame.

8. This blender costs just €702.

Some people don’t even spend that much money on their first car. What exactly do you get for this price? We’d expect this blender to be able to obliterate competing blenders. As in, this blender should at least be powerful enough to liquefy an entire Nutribullet.

PastedImage-68096 Source: Brown Thomas

It doesn’t say in the product description whether or not you could use this appliance to make your old blender into a smoothie, but it does mention the fact that it has 5 program settings. These are: smoothies (just fruit, I assume), hot soups, dips and spreads, frozen desserts and self-cleaning.

9. This €198 egg poacher.

PastedImage-47213 Source: Brown Thomas

Yeah, admittedly it’s pretty difficult to poach eggs. We’re not going to dispute that. They’re probably the toughest type of egg to perfect, and it’s a nightmare to try cook a few at once. However, rather than splashing out €200 on a special pot that will do the hard part for you, we’d prefer to just go and buy brunch in a restaurant 10 times instead for the same price.

 10. For €62, you could get a very threatening looking lemon squeezer.

PastedImage-26027 Source: Brown Thomas

We can’t even begin to imagine how this is supposed to work. Can you honestly tell us that if you walked into an empty room and saw this, that you would know what it was? Would you look at this and immediately say “Ah yes. A lemon squeezer”? The product description doesn’t even try and make excuses for it. It describes it as “surprisingly functional”.

11. A wood-fired pizza oven.

In theory, this is really cool. But in reality, the only person who would actually go out of their way to have a wood-fired pizza oven is either a 20-year-old who won the lottery and wants to live in some kind of party loft, or a Hurlamaboc mam with serious notions and an upcoming BBQ that she hopes will distract her friends and relatives from noticing that her marriage is falling apart.

PastedImage-76159 Source: Brown Thomas

The product description says that it is “specifically designed to take the cost, bulk and hassle out of using a real wood-fired oven.” And here I was thinking that’s what a fan oven was for.

12. This biscuit box costs €43.

At first glance, it looks like storage for dog treats. Is it bone-shaped? It’s hard to tell. However, there’s no mention of dogs in the product description so we’ll just have to try and believe that there are people out there who pay €43 for biscuit boxes, instead of using old USA biscuit tins from 2004.

PastedImage-77696 Source: Brown Thomas

There appears to be little air holes at the top of the box, which allow “the aroma of biscuits to emanate from the cover”. That’s probably the opposite of what you’d want from biscuit storage. Opening a €43 biscuit box to a load of soft stale biscuits is exactly what you deserve if you buy this.

13. If you’ve a holiday coming up, Brown Thomas have this €350 beach towel in stock.

PastedImage-58012 Source: Brown Thomas

This is definitely not something you’d feel comfortable using to reserve a sun lounger while you go off for breakfast in the morning.

Finally, we’d like to just point out that they list an Xbox as a decorative accessory.

You know you’re rich when you decide to buy an Xbox as a decoration.

PastedImage-42962 Source: Brown Thomas

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About the author:

Kelly Earley

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