FOLKS, WE’RE INTO the second night here. It’s too late to turn back now.
Yes, Celebrity Come Dine With Me continued apace last night after Monday’s shenanigans of a dubious ethnic theme. And former Apprentice contestant/professional straight-talker/expert face-maker Geraldine O’Callaghan was under the hammer to produce a slap-up feed for Celia Holman-Lee, Rosanna Davison, Brian McEvoy and Joe Rooney.
(For a refresher on who’s who, see here.)
Here’s how it went down.
1. The return of Frantic Face
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. And in this case, history is an evening spent sitting around a table in Arab-stereotype get-ups while someone mimes a giant willy.
So Celia is looking back at her efforts of the previous evening. Cue Frantic Face:
Which is joined tonight by Wistful Dreaming Of A Faraway Time Face:
Will she have a new face for every evening? Only time will tell.
Anyway, Celia says “I was very, very proud of myself.” And that’s hardly surprising.
Ah, the memories.
2. Brian’s throne
Brian’s only achievement so far has been making Geraldine O’Callaghan shout “Cock!” So the programme makers have taken pity and put him in a mighty throne. Aww.
And that’s enough of Brian for tonight.
3. Journey to Casa Geraldine
Geraldine apparently lives in every crappy Celtic Tiger rental apartment we’ve ever lived in, ever. Celebrities: they’re just like us!
Also (and here's a screengrab from later in the programme) I'm pretty sure these curtains came from the DFS Winter Sale 1998-99. Incredible bargains to be had.
Here's what Celia thinks of the place:
4. Here's what Rosanna is getting for dinner
I'll just let you savour that image for a moment.
OK? Shall we go on?
5. An Important Question
What is the obsession with putting fruit in drinks? They did it last night. They're doing it tonight.
These guys can barely move without someone plopping a strawberry into their beverage.
Is that how you know you're a celebrity? It must be a nightmare when you're just trying to have a glass of water.
6. The Utterances of Geraldine
Ah, that celebrity repartée. Things Geraldine says during the evening:
(a) "I'm gonna fart tonight and blame it on Rosanna."
(b) "My knickers are on the floor."
(c) "What do you call a Turkish baby? A kebabby."
This is her poor, hopeful face after she's made that last joke:
This is the face of everyone watching:
This is the reaction from Rosanna and Celia:
Yes, they are clapping their hands
Upon learning that Celia has grandchildren, Geraldine calls her a "GILF".
Watch Rosanna's reaction:
8. Rosanna Davison, Scientist
During a discussion of how to go to the toilet without anybody hearing, Geraldine suggests putting toilet roll down the jacks before using it.
Rosanna weighs in with agreement:
It acts as a buffer.
So now you know.
It doesn't matter how this face happened. It just happened.
And that, boys and girls - come out from behind the sofa now, it's all OK! - is how you get to be Miss World.
Celia: 7. Rosanna: 7. Brian: 7. Joe: 7. Total: 28.
THE REAL RESULTS! (Our favourite celebrity)
A strong showing from Geraldine again, but Rosanna nips in under the wire with a subtle and nuanced performance: