EARLIER THIS WEEK pop group Little Mix released the video for their new single, No More Sad Songs, which is heavily inspired by the 2000 film Coyote Ugly.
For those not familiar with Coyote Ugly, it tells the story of a woman called Violet who moves to New York with dreams of being a songwriter, making her living in a raunchy bar alongside a gang of sassy gals.
It’s basically an excuse to have pretty girls writhe around in belly tops for an hour and a half. Yet it’s somehow still amazing.
1. If you were a child in the year 2000, odds are this film is quite meaningful to you
Maybe it was one of the first 12s movies you saw. Maybe you just fancied the hell out of Piper Perabo.
Either way, you looked to this film for clues as to how a woman should be (not very wise, but it’s OK because you were an actual child).
2. It was roundly panned by the critics, which shows they know NOTHING
Rotten Tomatoes says: “The script is almost as big a joke as the characters, and everything else follows in the same path.”
But what’s that? Oh yeah, a 71% AUDIENCE RATING. SUCK IT, FILM GUYS.
3. It taught us some valuable lessons about adulthood
Like what a Coyote Ugly is.
Not that you understood any of that in 2000, but you knew it was important somehow!
4. And gave us people to fancy
All the girls, yes, but how about that Adam Garcia? The Australian actor was later in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen with Lindsay Lohan. Bet you haven’t thought of that film in a while.
5. John Goodman is somehow involved in it
He plays Piper Perabo’s dad, who seemingly cannot look after himself. But he’s John Goodman so you’re like, “Ah go on John.”
6. And Tyra Banks is hanging around too
The peak of Tyra Banks’ acting career (other than Life-Size, of course). In one scene, she memorably dances with a ketchup bottle. For reasons we cannot quite explain.
7. A character introduces herself as a ‘cast iron heartless bitch’
As if this is a totally normal way to introduce yourself to a stranger, but does Coyote Ugly owner Lil give a sh*t? No! And that’s #goals.
She later says the line:
Jim, Jack, Johnny Red, Johnny Black, and Jose; all my favorite men. You can have it any way you like it, as long as it’s in a shot glass.
Flawless screenwriting. A+.
8. There are several scenes that are just variations on this
Oh, and one in which Violet calms a bar riot with just the sound of her singing voice.
The plot is light. But what it doesn’t have it makes up for in pleather trousers and massive belt buckles, so it’s a win-win.
9. Violet gets the ride in front of a cardboard cut out of Bill Clinton
This is two years after the Lewinsky scandal broke, mind. Incisive political commentary!
10. Then gives us the absolute belter that is Can’t Fight The Moonlight
Maybe the cardboard cut out of Bill Clinton was the key ingredient in the making of this song? If so we take it all back.
The fact that it did not receive a Best Original Song Oscar nomination is a great oversight.
11. The extended cut of the film basically just adds in an extra-long and slightly uncomfortable sex scene
This edition (released in 2005) makes Coyote Ugly a very different film. We’re not in PG-13 land any more, Toto.
12. And then LeAnn Rimes shows up
After which you realise that she has four songs on the soundtrack and is this whole film a ploy to promote LeAnn Rimes?
13. But it doesn’t matter because by that time you’re already wondering which pubs might allow you to dance on the bar
A teenage dream that has never quite been snuffed out. Some day, we all get the chance to pretend we’re Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly. Some day.
