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Dear Fifi: I was totally blindsided by a sudden break-up. What do I do?

Dear Fifi doesn’t believe in closure. Do you?

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Since it’s come up a bit lately, I’d like to say I’m afraid it’s very rare I can reply to anyone one-to-one. I still read every single problem. I’m sorry I can’t answer them all! 

Got a niggling doubt? A thorny issue you can’t unpick? Here’s how to message me anonymously using the completely confidential service Curious Cat.

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Dear Fifi,

I had been seeing this guy for almost a year. Things were great, I honestly thought we were in it for the long haul. Less than a week ago he was telling me that he could see us being together for a long time, that we’d build a life together. I had met his entire family and he met mine, things were serious. Then this morning, out of nowhere, I got a text telling me how amazing I am but that he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. No real explanation.

He doesn’t want to talk about it at all and he only agreed to meet up to give me back my stuff- stuff that he only told me about 3 weeks ago to leave in his house seeing as I was there so often! I know that I deserve better than that and I’ve been through breakups before so I know I will get over it eventually. I’m just so blindsided, my heart is completely broken. I don’t know how he can do a complete 180 in such a short time. How can I get over someone leading me on in such a cruel way? Should I press him to meet up and explain himself?

Because I thought things were going so well, I’ve been talking to my colleagues and friends about our future plans – how am I supposed to face them all now that I’ve been embarrassingly tossed aside? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

You only sent me this problem just the other day, so this awful shock happened to you very recently. I’m really sorry someone you trusted and loved – let’s make no bones about this – has treated you in such a disrespectful and shitty way. Eff this guy.

Break-ups are a funny thing. I think only someone who has been through a difficult one can truly understand the devastating effect it can have. What you need to do now is completely and utterly focus on yourself. It’s a time to be selfish and to call in favours from your nearest and dearest.

I’m not a big believer in the popular concept of “closure”. The most important (and of course hurtful) fact in all this is that he has decided he no longer wants a relationship with you. Would you be seeking out more information for the right reasons? I think all too often “closure” can really be a morbid desire to find out information that will hurt us, or give ourselves ammo to form a supposedly persuasive, but ultimately futile, argument to win them back.

Attempting to win him back or torturing yourself are not things you should be doing now. He has treated you very badly. What you need to do right now is close the door on him and move on. You need a clean break.

The medium is the message. He is either too cowardly or too cruel to have broken up with you in a way you deserve. Don’t ask him why. Try not to wonder what his motivations are. The chances are the answers would only disappoint you.

Don’t be embarrassed about this. His poor behaviour is not a reflection on you. Anyone worth their salt will surprise you with their decency when you confide what has happened. You don’t have to go into details. Tell one person at work and ask them to spread the word discreetly if that’s easier than saying it multiple times.

You’ve been through break-ups before, so you know that the only thing that works is time. It’s a bitch, but you can do it. In that time, don’t lose the ability to trust someone new just because this man has proven himself to be deceptive. There are other people like you – decent people, honest people – out there waiting.

Good luck. Go easy on yourself. Once again: eff this guy.

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Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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