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Dublin: 6 °C Wednesday 13 December, 2017
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Dear Fifi: Why do women go for dickheads?

Dear Foofers.

dearfifiheader

Outside of giving advice, one of my life’s passions is the pursuit of a nice soup. Soup is a very underrated thing. If I could give you one piece of unsolicited soup-related advice, it would be to avoid tomato soup in questionable establishments. Too often, it can be more akin to a tomato sauce in the wrong chef’s hands.

If you’ve got bigger, more important – or even silly, inconsequential – problems you’d like to discuss, get in touch. They don’t even have to be about soup! I promise.

dearfifibar

Dear Fifi,

The three guys I know that are the most successful with women are all deliberately and actively dicks, who toy and mess with the women they’re around. They actually make fun of me for not taking their approach. Why is this what women what?

A few points.

1. I’m glad you call these people “guys you know” as opposed to “friends” because these fellas sound objectively like the worst. Mocking you for not deploying some sub-par pick-up artistry moves everyone got over in 2010? Please.

2. Being attracted to people who treat you poorly is not unique to women, but it is perhaps more prevalent with us due to the subconscious reasoning behind it. Women spend a lot of their lives receiving messages that they are lesser. It’s not unusual that we tend to accept this bullshit from people trying to woo us when we’re so used to it from everywhere else we look.

3. People – not just women, by the by – with low self-esteem will accept the treatment from others they think they deserve. I imagine these guys get short shrift from more self-assured women, and probably pick their targets based on this.

4. What is your definition of ‘success’ with women? If it’s just having short-term flings, then yes these men might do quite well. If you define a ‘success’ with a woman as a fulfilling, exciting, fun relationship based on mutual respect and a deep connection, I imagine these guys starting falling down pretty quickly.

5. These men sound like they don’t really see the women they sleep with as full, proper people like themselves. That’s why they think it’s okay to toy with them and mess them around. Their feelings don’t mean much to them. Don’t be like that. It’s a road to misery. Without kindness there is nothing.

6. Do me a favour and next time they try and mock you for being a decent human being who treats women with respect, look them in the eye and tell them to go fuck themselves.

7. Stay strong. Toxic masculinity is a disease.

dearfifibar

Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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