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Dear Fifi: I'm in love with my mate but she has a boyfriend ... should I tell her?

Your shoulder to cry on is back – it’s DailyEdge.ie’s resident agony aunt Dear Fifi.

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Happy Independence Day! What better way to assert your own personal independence by outsourcing your life’s problems to an agony aunt?

If that sounds up your street, please get in touch and spill. Entirely anonymous and confidential.

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Dear Fifi,

I am in love with one of my friends. She has started seeing someone and they have really hit it off. Do I say anything to her or keep stum?

First off – sorry you’re in this position. It isn’t easy seeing someone you love be happy with someone else, especially if you have to hide how bad that makes you feel.

But the big question raised by your problem is this: why didn’t you feel the need to speak up before now? Presumably these feelings didn’t barge fully formed into your heart at the moment she found someone else. There must have been a reason you didn’t tell her how you felt before now, when it would have been a little less complicated. Ask yourself what that reason is.

It’s hard not to surmise that this flood of feelings may well have been triggered by jealousy and surprise at your friend being taken off the market. Do you think that could be true? It may be clouding your judgement. Be careful that this turn of events isn’t making this friendship seem like it has more  substance than it does in reality. It’s said often because it’s true… We want what we can’t have.

Personally, I don’t think you should overload your friend with these feelings at the moment. It could destroy your friendship and also put her in the position of having to choose her fledgling relationship over hanging out with you – to protect her new romance, but also your feelings.

I think the best thing for everyone involved – yourself included – would be to keep quiet for now. Perhaps when the time is right, if you are both single, if you get the vibe she reciprocates your feelings, you could make a move and see how she feels. Now is not that time.

You leave a lot left unsaid in your question, such as whether or not you’ve ever got an inkling she fancies (or indeed loves) you back. But that issue is put to bed for the moment, because the facts remain that she currently is seeing someone. And even when she was single, did she ever indicate that she saw you as more than a mate?

If you need to unburden yourself, talk it through with a trusted friend who knows you both. If you can guarantee their confidence, they might be able to give you some outside perspective on all this.

From there, set your sights elsewhere. Know that she isn’t the only one out there you could hit it off with, even if it feels like that right now. Chin up.

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