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Dublin: 9 °C Tuesday 20 March, 2018

13 things you only do if you have literally no sense of direction

You don’t even know how to drop a pin.

IF YOU GENUINELY feel you wouldn’t be far off getting lost in a phonebox, you’re among friends here.

Having little to no sense of direction can be a source of shame for many of us considering the fact we own handheld devices which can instantaneously point us in the right direction.

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It does, however, help if you can actually read a map and don’t need to momentarily pause in order to distinguish your left from your right.

Look, every single one of us has gotten lost on occasion, but only a select few of us need assistance finding a place we pass every day on our way to work.

Here are just a few things a person with no sense of direction will do on a regular basis, and I should know because I’m one of them.

1. Screenshot a location on a map from various angles.

Most people will simply enter a location in their map and then follow the directions until they reach their destination.

Not you, though, oh no.

You’ve learned the hard way, and know full well that your journey will always involve taking screenshots of the map from various different perspectives in case you get lost and somehow approach it from a different angle.

2. Panic if someone asks you to ‘drop a pin’.

You would assume that someone with no sense of direction would have a top-notch relationship with Google Maps, but that’s just not the case.

You can barely read a map, sure.

And that means you’re not exactly up to speed on the various features available to you, which is why being asked to drop a pin is akin to being asked to detonate a bomb.

3. Adopt a ‘Yes, I’m following you’ facial expression when asking for directions.

The thing about having no sense of direction is that you have absolutely no shame in asking strangers for help.

However, this rarely gets you very far as you put all your effort into pretending to understand what the f*ck they’re talking about when really you zoned out after ‘second left’.


4. Suggest an alternative meeting spot if you aren’t familiar with the original one.

Rather than tie yourself in knots trying to find a place or admitting you don’t know a pub which is supposedly a stone’s throw from where you live, you often suggest alternative meeting points.

Most of the time this raises no issue, but there have been occasions when friends have furrowed a brow over your suggestion to meet 30 minutes from your house as opposed to two.

5. Make note of stores and bars as opposed to street names and junctions.

If someone can tell you that the place you’re going is where you bought those boots last November, you’d have a far better chance of finding it.

But if they make reference to a street name or neighbourhood, then you may as well give up now.

And if they tell you they’ll just drop a pin, then you’re well within your rights to turn back.

6. Glaze over when someone offers more than their street address.

Asking people where they live can be an absolute minefield because if you can’t immediately identify the street name, it’s likely they’ll begin elaborating in a bid to be helpful.

But it’s not helpful.

It’s simply reminding you that you are liable to get lost in a toilet cubicle and it’s something you’re just going to have to live with.

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7. Panic when asked directions by a tourist.

Even if you know how to get to the place they’re looking for, you find it incredibly difficult to articulate the route.

You can follow your own nose when you need it, but like hell you’re going to be able to verbally communicate the map you see in your head with a bunch of earnest Yanks on College Green.

8. Prepare for a journey to a new destination with all the dedication of an arctic trek.

People with no sense of direction have horror stories about the numerous times they’ve found themselves lost and bewildered.

And that’s why journeys to new places often involve a lot of prep, the downloading of new apps and the crossing of many fingers.

9. Opt for a taxi over public transport in every foreign city you visit.

Look, you can’t hop in a taxi every damn time at home, but different rules apply in a foreign city, and you milk them for all their worth.

Why in the name of God would you put yourself through the anguish of navigating a foreign city’s public transport system when you can hop in a cab?

Yes, you’ll be overcharged, but what do you care?

10. Follow the Dublin Bus app, stop by stop, when embarking on a new route.

You have monitored every stop made on a new bus journey by rubbernecking between the on-board screen and the app.

You have counted your stops, double-checked your destination, written down your bus stop number, and you have still gotten off at the wrong place.

11. Rarely ‘explore’ a new neighbourhood.

When you’re likely to get lost at a moment’s notice, the concept of exploring doesn’t exactly appeal.

Oh, you’ll learn how to get from A to B, but you’e damned if you’re going off the beaten track for no good reason.

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12. Feign knowledge of establishments in your own neighbourhood, despite the fact you never managed to find them.

Look, it’s awkward admitting you haven’t yet visited one of your neighbourhood’s most-loved establishments because you’re scared of getting lost.

So, you outright lie, pretend to know the barman’s name, and pray no one asks you to introduce them to the regulars.

13. Returned to the entrance of a venue in order to re-orientate yourself.

You could have visited this shopping centre ten times in the last three months, but that does not mean you can find your way around the damn labyrinth without a little refresher.

And that’s why you often make a certain store your ‘breathe and start again’ point.

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