THERE’S A PRETTY good chance you found your way back to the family homestead relatively recently.
With Easter treating us to a four-day weekend, a large number of us returned to the folks and set up camp for a day or two.
And it’s a simple fact of life that parental quirks you never noticed while living with the folks suddenly become magnified once you move out and make sporadic trips back.
Last weekend was a prime example of this.
1. Your parents cannot hear a word the other one says.
You knew they were hard of hearing when you lived with them, but this is a new league altogether.
You genuinely aren’t sure how they communicate when you’re not around because you spent most of Easter Sunday interpreting for them.
2. Your mother will tell you the same thing over and over again.
Now look, you know she’s prone to a bit of repetition from the regular phone calls you share with her, but for some reason you assumed being face to face would put a stop to this.
Obviously this wasn’t the case, and you were forced to hear out about the neighbour’s cut-price paint three times across the weekend.
3. Your dad still thinks you’re 12.
Any reference to your standard daily life sends him a bit mental, as he imagines you navigating a war zone in the big schmoke.
And the fact that your mam only got you one Easter Egg left him questioning his union with her. Were they rationing the fecking things over in the local shop? Surely she could have gotten you two or three.
4. Your parents have slipped into a bizarre routine with local wildlife.
There was a time when they only focussed on the family pet, but now they’ve named every bird within a one-mile radius of the house.
Your dad likely made reference to the creation of a bird house and your mam introduced you to her favourite one on Easter Sunday morning.
5. Your mam would happily attach a tracking device to your ankle if she could.
You only had to so much as shift your arse in your seat, and she wondered what you were up to.
Were are you going? What are you looking for? Are you hungry? Would you not stay put?
6. Your parents are fascinated by friends’ upcoming weddings.
They love nothing more than hearing the drama that precedes an Irish wedding.
And all the better if there’s talk of civil ceremonies and humanist celebrations, because they’re only dying to get their heads around the whole thing.
7. Your dad loves nothing more than hearing how expensive it is to rent these days.
You could entertain him for hours with some of the scaldiest rental adverts online, and he’ll always ask for another example.
Unless of course you’re being ripped out of it by a landlord, then he’ll unleash hell.
8. Your parents still get excited when the house phone rings.
While the rest of the world pretends not to hear their landline (if they even have one), your parents are only dying to chat to whomever saw fit to call them.
Incidentally, they will always mutter ‘Now, who in the name of Jaysus is that?’ before leaping excitedly off the couch in search of the cordless.
9. Your parents will forget anything that happened more than 12 hours ago.
When they finally bid you adieu upon your departure, it’s highly likely they may not actually remember the full details of your arrival the day before.
But they’re only dying to see you again. In fact, isn’t it time you arranged another visit?
10. They get a secret kick out of treating you.
Whether it’s the fact your mam got all your favourite trimmings for the roast or your dad heard you were into red wine these days, they’re only delighted to wheel out the treats and act like it was no big deal.
But it is; it is a big deal.
