1. You approach the journey with military precision
“Right. The train’s at 5.45pm, so I need to be at Heuston by 5.15pm at the latest. That leaves around 10 minutes for the Supermacs run, then 20 minutes to stand at the ticket barrier, primed to run when the platform is announced. You can do this. Breathe.”
2. But no matter what, you’ll always feel irrationally tense throughout it
Buses, trains, and even long car journeys are kind of like the Horcruxes in Harry Potter. The longer you’re exposed to them, the more surly and unlike yourself you become.
3. There’s a certain standard you’ve come to expect when you get home
And your parents not being there to greet you with a fridge full of food feels like a slight. What do you mean you have a life? I am your DARLING CHILD!
4. You re-learn what a comfortable bed feels like
That cheap mattress in your rented apartment has a LOT to answer for.
5. And catch up on all the news from the town
All the goss on births, deaths and marriages, plus economic comings and goings.
The local nightclub closed, then re-opened, then closed again.
All in the month since I’ve last been home?
Yes.
6. You’re called upon to explain the Cloud* a few times
Dear god, how do you explain the Cloud when you’re not even sure what the Cloud is?
(*Insert parental computer emergency of your choice here.)
7. At least three people will express shock at you being ‘grown up’
All while you nod and do your best “I am an organised and pulled-together adult who did not leave a load of wet laundry in the washing machine for the weekend” face.
8. You’ll take the piss just a little bit
Eating ridiculous amounts of food, being exceptionally lazy (even by your regular standards), and suddenly developing a liking for long, luxurious baths.
Piss-takery of the highest order.
9. You’ll be wheeled out to every family member in a 30 mile radius
Your dreams of sitting in a pile of Yorkshire puds while wearing fleecy pyjamas for 48 hours, all dashed.
10. And before you even leave, you’ll hear something like this
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“How about the weekend after next?”
