IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mirehas an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Inclusion in Leaving Cert could be the end of Chinese
Monday, 7 May
Chinese could cease to exist as a spoken language by 2020 if it becomes part of the Leaving Certificate curriculum.
The stark warning came after Education Minister Ruairí Quinn sought to boost the numbers of Irish people speaking Mandarin (standard Chinese).
Officials in China were horrified at the development. “Please don’t kill our language,” Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said. “Promise not to teach Chinese like you teach Irish and we’ll build you a giant shop in Athlone,” he added.
Perth police to seek help from Éamon Ó Cuív
Tuesday, 8 May
Police in Western Australia are seeking help from Éamon Ó Cuív to combat anti-social behaviour by young Irish emigrants. Rental agencies are no longer willing to rent properties to Irish people in Perth as they get destroyed during parties.
“We may have to deport thousands of young Irish,” a police spokesman warned.
“Alternatively, we would ask Mr Ó Cuív to attend the parties so that everyone else leaves,” he added.
Tralee begs Phil Hogan to take his flies back
Wednesday, 9 May
Tralee residents have begged Environment Minister Phil Hogan to take his flies back after they attacked the Kerry town. Millions of flies have swarmed around Tralee in the past few days.
“They must be Phil Hogan’s personal collection,” a resident said. “Who else has millions of flies?”
The Minister, who has an abiding love of septic tanks and all related matters, was not available for comment.
Cheese binging fat slackers mock fitness
Thursday, 10 May
Moves to ban advertising cheese may have come too late as people have been deliberately eating it to become fashionably obese.
They eat cheese without a thought for the consequences, it’s disgusting,” a dietician said.
Cheese binging is part of a growing trend in society to be fat and wear a tracksuit.
“They’re mocking fitness and giving tracksuits a bad name,” a triathlete said. “Ban cheese and the causes of cheese.”
Spanish cries for no help fall on deaf ears
Friday, 11 May 2012
It is no longer possible to save the European economy from the people responsible for saving the European economy.
The assessment came as desperate Spaniards pleaded not to be helped.
“Don’t help us, don’t support us, don’t bail us out,” they begged the EU, ECB and IMF.
Tragically their pleas fell on deaf ears as the troika insisted on finishing them off in a spirit of solidarity.
