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15 things that would happen if House of Cards was set in Ireland

All the drama, none of the power.

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1. Freddy’s barbecue joint would be a greasy spoon run by a heavily accented Dub

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“I do love a good fry in the mawning, Freddy.”

2. Frank’s high-level talks with the Russian President would actually be a St Patrick’s Day visit to Sydney

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3. Claire would be head of Trócaire before giving it all up when Frank becomes President

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4. Frank’s arguments with Doug would be over how many garden parties he has to attend in the Áras every week

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“Look Doug, I’m not going to more than three a week. I don’t care how many f**king canapes are served.”

5. It wouldn’t be a national scandal that Peter Russo was a raging alcoholic

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6. He would actually have to retire from politics because he printed ten thousand leaflets on the Oireachtas printer and lied to a local paper about it

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7. The texts on screen would definitely be Whatsapp messages

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8. Meacham would be a troubled country Garda with a point to prove

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9. Frank and Claire’s late night cigarettes would be replaced by a snifter of port and the conversation would always begin with a mundane chat about the weather

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“Fierce cold today, Claire, wasn’t it?”

10. The dingy apartment where Frank meets with Zoe would be a Celtic Tiger place with storage heaters and a load of students next door

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11. This meeting between Frank and Zoe would happen down the back of Heuston Station, but a pigeon would eventually disturb his plans

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12. Raymond Tusk would be Michael O’Leary, working in the background to get in the President’s ear on aviation issues – and here, wearing a Ryanair-branded robe

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“I’ll ground all the planes on you Frank.”

13. Frank’s debate on RTÉ would go horribly wrong when he gets tongue tied over basic Gaeilge when talking about education

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“Me, tu, sé… eh…”

14. The President’s jobs programme would still be called “America Works” – but it would just be a pamphlet on how Irish college students can get jobs in the US when they’re on their J1

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Launching America Works in the Áras:

“Eh, best to go to the big cities like New York and San Francisco – that’s where the jobs are. That’s where… America Works.”

15. And finally… Frank’s weekly address to the media would mostly take place at ribbon-cutting ceremonies for local GAA clubs

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Real power.

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