LOOK, IT’S NO secret that the only condition hypochondriacs don’t think they suffer from is hypochondria.
And forgive us for paraphrasing the glorious Alanis, but that’s a little fecking ironic, isn’t it?
Now, many of us are guilty of using the term ‘hypochondriac’ to describe a family member who overdoes it on the ‘poor me’ front whenever they get so much as a headcold, but those folk are a drop in the bucket compared to some of the people we live with
And lest there be any confusion here; a hypochondriac will manage to convince themselves (and you, if you’re not on your best game) that illness (and when they’re spiralling completely, death) is lurking at every turn.
And here are just 9 things you’ll know if you live with one of these people.
1. Their favourite website is webmd.
So many symptoms! So many connections to make! And the best part? No judgement, just understanding.
2. They google symptoms the way other people google porn.
They get a kick out of it, and would rather do it in private in order to avoid your judgey stare, thanks very much.
3. A national, or worse, international, outbreak is their Kryptonite.
SARS, Swine Flu, Mad Cow Disease; they just bloody knew they’d be next.
4. They have a standard ‘sick’ face.
Regardless of the bug they may or may not have come down with, their face will always look the same; a mixture of horror and utter smuggery.
5. They also have a standard sick voice.
Again, this has nothing to do with blocked sinuses or sore throats, but more to do with the fact that the persona of a sick person is something they can easily slip in and out of.
6. They’re on first-name basis with their GP.
And they have been been known to offer him an insight into his prognosis on more than one occasion – something they’ve told you without a trace of embarrassment.
7. They have, on one occasion, genuinely assumed they were dying.
OK so, it wasn’t a great time for them, but it was even less fun for the people they lived with.
8. Pharmacies are their favourite place on planet EARTH.
Their well-stocked medicine cabinet and travel bag are their pride and joy, and bless them, they’re pretty generous when it comes to doling out the goods.
9. You can never, under any circumstances, call them a hypochondriac.
Cue tears, recriminations and accusations of utter betrayal if you fail to take their Black Death symptoms seriously.