THE TYPICAL IRISH mother is a no-nonsense figure, when you get right down to it.
Okay, so she’s deeply loveable and would do anything for you – but you better not be developing notions, or she’ll be onto you like a shot. Like a shot, do you hear?
(Some of you might be asking what exactly “notions” means. Well, if you have to ask, then you’ll never know. And you’re probably riddled with Jaypers notions yourself.)
1. Fancy gates with intercoms
“Sure, who do they think is trying to ring their doorbell?”
2. Bagels
“And what’s wrong with a bit of sliced pan, I’d like to know.”
3. Gourmet crisps
“Far from kettle chips you were reared, now.”
4. Vegetarianism
“What is it? You’re going vay-gun? Vegan? But you can still have the bit of scrambled eggs. Ah, you can.”
5. Drinking any tea that isn’t Barry’s or Lyon’s
“Chamomile tea? And do you take milk in it… Oh. Oh, I see.”
6. Actually using the kitchen roll
“GET AWAY FROM THAT! USE THE J-CLOTH!”
7. Using more than one tea towel
“STOP! Use the hand towel, for the love of God.”
8. Getting a taxi
“And now how much will that be costing you? I see.”
9. Willy-nilly use of the tumble dryer
“Easy know you’re not paying the ESB bill in this house.”
10. Rare meat (or basically anything that isn’t incinerated)
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that thing needs another 15 minutes on the grill.”
11. Sushi “and the likes”
“RAW? Do you want me to give it a few minutes under the grill?”
12. Takeaway pizzas
“Sinful waste of money, that delivery pizza Dolmios stuff. Oh, it’s DOMINOS? Well, excuse me.”
13. Calling buns “cupcakes”
“Cup…cakes? What?”
