1. I will, yeah
What it really means: Absolutely not.
2. Sure, this is it
What it really means: This conversation has reached its natural conclusion and I cannot think of anything else to say to you.
3. Will we go out for one?
What it really means: This night is going to end in Zaytoon, isn’t it?
4. No, really, I’m only staying for one
What it really means: I’m actually on antibiotics, so I shouldn’t even be drinking.
5. I’m two minutes away
What it really means: I’m actually still waiting for the bus. Okay, I’m not even at the bus stop. Alright, I’m shaving my legs.
6. I’m really happy with my Leaving Cert results, yeah
What it really means: I didn’t get enough points for physio and I am quietly devastated. Excuse me.
What it really means: It might be here in 5 minutes. It might not. Such are the vagaries of Dublin Bus Real Time.
8. It’s a glorious day!
What it really means: It’s actually only 16 degrees, but we have been conditioned to believe that this is “glorious”. Ireland!
9. No hassle at all!
What it really means: This is actually a humongous inconvenience and I will hold it against you for the rest of the day.
10. Don’t let me keep you!
What it really means: I WANT TO ESCAPE.
11. Sorry, I can’t hear you
What it really means: We’re literally in the middle of the dancefloor. Why are you trying to have a deep meaningful conversation with me?
12. Haha, yeah
What it really means: We’re still in the middle of the dancefloor, but I can’t ask you to repeat yourself again.
13. (upon hearing someone is pregnant!) Oh wow, congratulations!
What it really means: Suzanne actually told me three weeks ago and I have had multiple Whatsapp conversations about it.
14. I’ll catch up with you over Christmas!
What it really means: I have no intention of getting in contact with you.
15. We’ll be grand
What it really means: We’re totally f**ked, aren’t we?
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