IF YOU DECIDE to come to Ireland, do not commit any of these mortal sins.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.
1. Do not, under any circumstances, refer to Ireland as being part of the UK
We get very testy.
2. Cut something messy with the good scissors at your peril
3. Saying no to a cup of tea is akin to slapping someone across the face
4. Do not wear a coat when it’s over 20 degrees, you’re insulting us and all our ancestors before us
5. The good towel is JUST FOR SHOW
6. Do not attempt to get change back on the bus, you will have a bad time and delay us
7. Staying on the bus, it is absolutely not the time and place to get into conversation
8. Don’t claim you are kinda Irish if your great grandfather’s grandmother’s sister one sailed past the coast
9. Don’t go into the second layer of the biscuits until the top is empty, ever
10. Stopping in the middle of the path is actually punishable by death in Irish law
11. Do not leave the shiteing immersion on unless you want war
12. Don’t complain about too many potato-based items on your plate, there can never be enough in our eyes
13. We know it’s expensive, WE KNOW
14. Don’t move around in herds
15. Or stand in front of Molly Malone with your entire extended family
16. Speaking of taking photos, when on the likes of the Ha’penny Bridge, do it fast
WE WON’T GO BY, WE ARE TOO NICE.
17. Don’t brag about anything, even if the Pope himself gave you a million euro grant for being a charitable legend
18. Don’t bring up Bono, please
19. No, we will not recommend some coddle, have a chicken fillet roll
20. Do not say Top of the Morning, ever
21. Do NOT keep talking after we say “I’ll let you go”
22. If we bump into you it’s obligatory to say sorry to us first
23. Don’t reply to “how are you?”, we don’t actually care
24. Skimping on a round is unacceptable and you will be forever branded a scab
You cannot un-become a scab.
25. St Patty’s Day is not a thing
26. If you put down the phone after one ‘bye’ we’re gonna have to call you back to ask if you’re OK
27. If you agree with us that you are looking well, you’re kinda gonna have to leave the country
28. And finally, taking a sup of Guinness before it has set
Don’t do it, good God, don’t do it.
