THE GIRLS’ NIGHTCLUB toilet, though it may seem to have no order, is governed by a series of unwritten rules that keep it from total anarchy.
You might think the lads’ bathroom is a simpler place, but you’re wrong. The Gents’ has unspoken laws too.
1. Embrace the ‘buffer’ urinal, if possible
Don’t choose the urinal right beside another lad if there are loads of urinals and stalls free. It makes everyone uncomfortable.
2. Don’t choose the middle urinal
If there are three free urinals, don’t go to the middle one. You’re only forcing someone else to take the urinal right beside you, which is to be avoided at all times.
3. Consider your stance
If your stance is too wide, you might accidentally touch another man (the horror!). An angled stance could cause unwanted splashback. Consider all this before you tinkle.
4. Step in closer
Don’t overestimate your stream.
5. Eyes to the front
Always.
6. If someone farts, laugh
Clear the air, so to speak.
7. But chatting is not really encouraged…
It’s only really OK amongst men who are already friends, and only if they’re not in the process of peeing.
8. …Until after 12am
Then, the mens’ toilets transform into a place alive with the sound of lads becoming ‘best mates’.
9. Don’t spend too long at the mirror
As it is in the girls’ bathroom, so it will be in the Gents. Mirror space is at a premium. Be sound.
10. Don’t harangue the toilet attendant
They deal with enough stuff without you and your mates adding to it.
11. Please wash your hands
People are judging you.
12. And do all this as quickly as possible
Men turn to dust if they don’t do all they need to do in the bathroom in under three minutes. It’s a scientific fact.
