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Love/Hate Week 5 recap: Crocodile Tears, The Great Escape and Fancy Mots

Time to relive last night’s stress-filled hour of telly.

PHEW. LAST NIGHT’S Love/Hate was one of the most stress-filled viewing experiences we have had in quite a while.

The penultimate episode of the season was a rollercoaster of emotion* with one funeral, one death and one Oscar-winning performance courtesy of Siobhan.

(* = The only emotions felt on this rollercoaster? Worry, dread, stress and anxiety.)

Here’s how it all went down.

Paulie’s funeral

The episode kicked off with a rather sensuous, slow-motions sequence showing preparations for Pauley’s funeral getting underway. A horse is spruced up, suit coats are tidied and an undertaker puts his hat on. As we said: sensuous.

lovehate1 Source: RTÉ Player

In the meantime, Pauley’s uncle Terence Bigballs surveys his land, while Nidge sits with his head in his hands, visibly dreading Terence’s return to Ireland.

Poor Nidge.

lovehate2 Source: RTÉ Player

Patrick

We didn’t see much from last week’s star of the show, Patrick, save for a shot of him looking forlornly at a bracelet as his son recovers in hospital.

lovehate3 Source: RTÉ Player

We also see Packy’s body get wrapped up and prepared for burial. When one of the lads informs Patrick that they are going to bury him “in the back field”, Patrick replies, “Good and deep, Joe.” He’s a man who knows what he wants, our Patrick.

Aside from that, there wasn’t a whole lot more Patrick, much to the devastation of the people of Ireland.

Domestic bliss

Trish and Nidge are hiding out and poor Trish is practically eating a cigarette, she’s so stressed out. She asks ‘Nigel’ for reassurance that the family are safe.

“Trish, we’re safe here,” says Nidge. And as we know, Nidge is a very trustworthy person, so maybe Trish should calm down.

lovehate4 Source: RTÉ Player

The first of Siobhan’s crocodile tears

Detective Moynihan is investigating Pauley’s death.  He asks his favourite informant if she has anything to tell him and Siobhan promptly turns on the waterworks.

“You think I done it or something?” she asks, indignantly.

After more crying, Moynihan warns her that Nidge will be aware of this and will have to inform Terence Bigballs. So essentially he’s saying, “Watch your back, girl.”

lovehate5 Source: RTÉ Player

I need a drink.

Nidge and his solicitor pace around the place, trying to make sense of Pauley’s death.

“The cops said he was off his rocker on all sorts,” his solicitor offers, rather naively. “That’s not the poor girl’s fault.”

Nidge doesn’t buy any of this and calls her “a f**king tramp”. He then announces that he needs a drink.

Oh boy.

lovehate6 Source: RTÉ Player

Party time!

Meanwhile, Nidge and Elmo are getting wrecked over in Janet’s and poor Janet walks in.

Nidge: “F**k off, Janet, will ya?”

Janet: “F**k you, Nidge.”

Ah, the language of love.

JANET Source: RTÉ Player

Nidge, who is so out of it that he can’t even see, then leaves an expletive-filled message for Siobhan in which he says that they can have a “chinwag at the funeral”.

OH GOD. DON’T GO TO THAT FUNERAL, SIOBHAN.

Nidge, get out.

“Nidge, we’re at your house.” – Ah, we’ve all been that soldier.

lovehate7 Source: RTÉ Player

State of ya

Trish admonishes Nidge for his behaviour. “State of you last night.”

Once again, we have all been that soldier.

lovehate8 Source: RTÉ Player

Deano and the Dogs

Deano visits Fran in prison to give him an update on the dogs.

“The dogs are grand.”

Poor, innocent Deano.

lovehate9 Source: RTÉ Player

Siobhan’s flying lesson

Nidhe drops by the funeral home for chats with Terence Bigballs, who leads him in to view Pauley’s mangled head. “They’d be better off stapling a picture of him to his head,” he says. Gruesome enough.

Terence then warns Nidge that, if he discovers Siobhan had anything do with Pauley’s death, she’ll be getting “a flying lesson”. He further requests her attendance at the funeral and we can only imagine what’s going to go down.

Poor Deano :(

Deano lands himself in it after visiting Fran in prison and gets an absolute bollocking from Nidge. The lad just can’t catch a break, can he?

lovehate10 Source: RTÉ Player

Beam me up, Scotty

Nidge has a chat with Scotty to see if he is interested in doing some driving. As Nidge reminds him, he could do with some extra sheckles if he wants to keep up with “a fancy mot like Nadine”. Such a charmer.

Janet’s son

Janet drops by to pick up her son at the Garda Station and meets a nice liaison officer. Back at home, we see Janet’s son (“Aaron”) and he (a) looks two years younger than Janet and (b) could easily be in a boyband.

lovehate11 Source: RTÉ Player

And the Oscar goes to…

Siobhan goes to Pauley’s funeral and thankfully avoids any awkward questioning as to how she knew him. (“Yeah, I was actually *technically* engaged to him and then I killed him.”)

At the funeral, she follows Terence into a room and delivers an Oscar-winning performance that Meryl Streep herself would be proud of.

lovehate12 Source: RTÉ Player

After descending into a puddle of tears and wailing, she tells Terence that they were celebrating because Pauley had proposed to her. She then tells Terence that she had pills in her fridge (???) and that he took a load.

Face covered in tears, she says that he was lying on the balcony and that he thought he was “sunbathing”. Good one, Siobhan. Terence will never believe that.

lovehate13 Source: RTÉ Player

Oh wait. He does believe her.

He even gives her a kiss on the forehead and gets her a cup of tea. Lucky Siobhan.

“[incomprehensible sounds]“

Detective Moynihan sits down with Scotty, who barely speaks above a whisper.

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He tells Moynihan that he is scoring Nadine on the side. Moynihan is raging. 

But not as raging as when he finds out that Nidge knows.

*shakes head*

Bye, Elmo.

After doing just a real solid job with the gnomes last week, Elmo’s good fortune comes to an end when the guards intercept him as he attempts to make a deal.

The guards arrest him and it looks likely that he will get minimum five years for his misdemeanor. Hard luck, Elmo.

lovehate16 Source: RTÉ Player

Hang on, what?

Meanwhile, Fran is on top psycho form this week and stabs himself in the shower multiple times. It’s all part of his chill master plan to escape from prison, you see. After screaming that he’s been stabbed, he’s carted off in an ambulance.

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After enlisting a hapless prison officer to accompany him to the toilet, Fran punches him and escapes from the hospital. Simple as.

lovehate18 Source: RTÉ Player

I’ve got a bone to pick with you, Nidgey

Siobhan’s mate Donna drives her to Fran’s caravan so Siobhan can steal the notorious bone. Donna refuses to come with her and leaves Siobhan to trek off into the unknown by herself.

Once in the caravan, Siobhan quickly finds the bone in the fridge.

lovehate19 Source: RTÉ Player

Upon hearing some ominous barking from Fran’s dogs, she looks outside and sees that someone is coming. She takes refuge under the caravan and all our hearts are in our mouths.

While under the caravan, she witnesses Fran whack Dean. Rather savagely, we might add. (RIP, Dean.)

lovehate20 Source: RTÉ Player

Is Janet the rat?

Nidge discovers that there’s a Garda number on Janet’s phone and flips. Despite her protestations that it’s the number of her son’s liaison officer, Nidge accuses her of being the rat.

Get out of Dublin, Janet. Seriously.

lovehate23 Source: RTÉ Player

The great escape

Finally, Fran drives away with Deano’s body in tow, giving Siobhan the chance to escape from underneath the caravan. As if her day could get any worse, she finds that Donna has not stuck around to give her a lift like she said she would. The wagon.

Instead, Siobhan is left to trundle off into the night with no high-vis gear or anything.

lovehate21 Source: RTÉ Player

And scene.

How will it all pan out for Siobhan next week? We have no idea.

All we know is our hearts can’t cope.

Love/Hate Week 4 Recap: Jesus Saves, Giraffes, And Two Big Deaths >

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About the author:

Amy O'Connor

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