Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.

— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015

Making sure you're the first to ask "what do you want for dinner" so you don't have to be the one to decide. #marriedpeopleproblems

— Michelle Frechette (@michelleames) January 9, 2016

Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.

— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015

You maintain a silent competition to see who the dog loves more. #MarriedPeopleIssues

— JudgeYouHarshly 💙 🇺🇦 (@JudgeYouHarshly) July 30, 2015

Marriage is basically agreeing to not sleep in a comfortable position again for the rest of your life.

— QUΞΞN ΔLΔNΔ 👑 알라나 여왕 (@AlanaRockz) November 16, 2015

Me: Do you want anything from the store?
wife: No thanks
[cut to me reading ice cream flavors to her over the phone for 20 minutes]

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 21, 2016

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 9, 2016

*watching husband sleep*

Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"

*husband snores*

Me: "I can't live like this."

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016

keeping our marriage fresh/exciting via texts pic.twitter.com/XB3dktiSnA

— Jeff (@usedwigs) January 16, 2016

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only...
Me: EXACTLY the amount

— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014

*rolls over & taps wife's shoulder to wake her*

So it was "An American Tail" & not 'Tale' because Fievel was a mouse, right?

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 4, 2015