IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Gilmore may use ‘mental reservation’ to get around oath in presence of God
Monday, 29 July
Tánaiste Eamonn Gilmore could use a technique developed by the Catholic Church to cast doubt on the existence of God while at the same time acknowledging it.
Mr Gilmore is due to swear an oath “in the presence of Almighty God” prior to the Council of State meeting today despite being an agnostic.
“We’re pretty confident that he can adapt the mental reservation policy favoured by the church to get through this,” a source close to the whole shady business said.
The source said this would not be a hypocritical thing to do. “Not at all,” he said. “Sure we’re all in this together.”
Peace talks positive as no one killed during dinner
Tuesday, 30 July
The opening of Israel-Palestine peace talks was described as positive so far after no one was killed during dinner.
Observers were amazed as negotiators from both sides ate without any apparent rancour.
“We got through three courses,” a source said. “It might not be peace in our time but it’s positive so far.”
“It’s hard to believe,” the Pope said. “But who am I to judge?”
Orgasms disrupt MacGill Summer School
Wednesday, 31 July, 2013
Orgasms wreaked havoc at the MacGill Summer School this morning as they interrupted a breakfast session to mark National Orgasm Day without warning.
Emergency services were called but fortunately no one received serious injuries.
“People were buttering toast, reading the newspapers, some were quietly practicing their self-importance when all hell broke loose,” a clearly exhausted man said. “There were orgasms and marmalade all over the place.”
“Unfortunately we have had to respond to a number of orgasm situations today,” an emergency services spokesman said.
“The worst case was when orgasms struck some pro-lifers waving placards of foetuses. There are some things that haunt you for the rest of your life.”
RTÉ moves quickly to resolve Pat and Paddy dilemma
Thursday, 1 August
RTÉ has moved quickly to close one of the gaps in its programming caused by the departure of Pat Kenny to Newstalk.
“We have taken an imaginative step in rethinking what was one of the key features of the morning radio show,” a source said.
The station was inundated with calls from listeners yesterday wondering how it planned to replace Paddy O’Gorman talking to Pat Kenny about prostitutes.
“Listeners need not worry,” the source said. “From September 2nd they will be able to hear Paddy O’Gorman talking to prostitutes about Pat Kenny.”
“You have to love public service broadcasting,” a listener said.
Senior bankers made ‘strategic decision’ to default on responsibility
Friday, 2 August
Senior bankers have admitted they made a strategic decision not to accept responsibility for the economic crisis.
The bankers confirmed that they could have accepted responsibility and faced the consequences.
“It would have been the right thing to do but we’re bankers,” a bank chairman said.
“I suppose you could think of us as strategic defaulters,” he added with a smile.
Ireland in The Bailout Years - a trot through 2009-present day through the satirical lens of The Mire’s Donal Conaty – is on sale now here.
Keep an eye on TheJournal.ie every morning from Monday to Friday this coming week for exclusive extracts from the book. We’ll pop them up at 10.30am each morning to serve you a laugh with your mid-morning coffee…
