1. Worrying about having the ‘wrong’ PE uniform
Most of it was school approved, but the selection of the t-shirt/jersey to wear with it was probably more fraught than an actress choosing a dress to wear to the Oscars.
And the bag you chose to put it all in? That could make or break you.
2. Then having to cover it all with a bib drenched in the sweat of two decades of former students
Oh that’s nice. Really nice.
3. The constant fear that they might spring the Bleep Test on you
And they always sprung it on you. There was never any warning.
4. Or make you do PE OUTSIDE
Always on days when it was raining, always when the pitch was at its muckiest. Always.
5. The relief when you got picked second or third last instead of dead last
Oh happy day!
6. That one kid who literally ran rings around you and everyone else
They did cross country running at weekends and were on some minor team or other AND, as far as you can remember, barely broke a sweat while doing so.
7. And the others who singled out the weak ones in the pack and acted accordingly
Here they all are now, advancing on me with the dodgeballs. Please, please tap me out. There is nothing I would love more in this world.
8. Doing your level best to avoid actually exerting yourself
“Oh look, the ball is coming towards me.”
*jogs half-heartedly to the ball*
“Damn, missed it.”
9. The joy in getting a teacher who just didn’t give a crap
The ones who threw over a football and promptly commenced ignoring you. Those were the special ones.
10. And the frustration in getting a teacher who wouldn’t spare you
Isn’t it amazing how someone roaring “C’MON! RUN FASTER!” at you doesn’t make you want to run any faster? Astounding.
11. Choking on everyone’s combined deodorant stink in the changing rooms afterwards
Because who had time (or the complete lack of shame) you needed to use the showers?
12. And coming up with continuously outlandish excuses for when it all got a bit too much
“Can Sarah be excused from PE today as she has cramps/an ingrown toenail/a cold in her kidneys. Signed, Sarah’s Actual Mam and Not Sarah Pretending To Be Her Mam Everything Is Above Board Here.”
