1. “This property is suitable for professionals only. Employment references necessary. The house is available for viewing at 3pm on Wednesday.”
2. “This is a spacious three bed, two bath property. It is [somehow, incredibly] only suitable for one person.”
3. A sudden concern for BER ratings.
4. These f**king wobbly mirrors.
5. A hopeful “Location location location!” heading up an ad for a dank bedsit in Smithfield. Even Anne the Letting Agent knows it’s a dud, god bless her.
6. “Wow, this room is only €300 a month! Oh please excuse me, I misread. €300 a WEEK.”
7. Whole houses for rent for about €20 a month in rural Mayo (you were just checking). Why don’t we all move there?
8. “Within walking distance of the Luas.” Yes, a good 45 minutes’ walking distance. Google Maps exists, you chancers!
9. Blurred close-up photos of wardrobe doors and carpets, just things that give you a real feel for how the place looks.
10. “WHO can rent an apartment in Dalkey for €5000 a month? Who is that person?”
11. A single bed squeezed into a former living room. That’ll be €890 a month for this cosy studio apartment please!
12. “Interesting” design features left behind by previous owners.
13. “This room is available Sunday to Thursday only. We don’t care what you do on the weekends but you’re sure as hell not sullying our beautiful house with your presence.”
14. Bunk beds.
15. ”Sharing with an easy-going housemate. No loud music. No parties. No guests.”
16. Amazing attempts to spell the word ‘professional’.
17. Those f**king boxy black leather couches.
18. Ads with no proper photos in the Year of Our Lord 2017. But you email anyway, because it’s €1600 a month in Ranelagh!!!
19. A shower or a toilet in a bedroom. Not an en suite like, just a lone shower or toilet.
20. “EMAIL REPLIES ONLY. But we won’t ever give you an indication that we’ve seen your email, so you’ll be forced to call us in desperation, at which point we’ll say ‘Oh yes, it’s easy to miss emails’.”
21. Soul-crushing, head-melting dread. And you can have that for free, you lucky ducks