1. A big quiet husband, a stylish wife with a semi-permanent Sharon Ní Bheoláin ‘it wouldn’t be for me now’ facial expression and nice highlights, and a long suffering mother-in-law who just likes mass.
The staple Room To Improve characters.
2. Disappointment if the couple is sound
If they’re just really nice people who need to add a Stira to their bungalow, then where’s the edge? Where’s the conflict?
3. Dermot in a Nice Jumper or a Good Shirt
Bit of cashmere here. Nice shirt with expensive-looking cuffs there. No Cedarwood State for our Dermot.
4. Hard hats and high vizzes as far as the eye can see
Nothing can hurt you once you’re wearing a high viz. Everyone knows that.
5. A shell of a house with mushrooms growing in the bedroom and papers from 1907 under the lino
“It has GREAT potential we think, Dermot”.
6. Dermot’s face struggling to hold it together
7. A builder with ideas above his station
Will Dermot be able to wrestle control from the megalomaniac with the spirit level?
8. A moment of extreme Notions from Dermot
Remember the concrete slab?
9. And even more from the couple
Remember the Indonesian table?
10. A good bit of muttering of “it’s not what we envisaged” and “is that the colour it will be at the end, yeah?”
*Dermot clenches fists inside pockets. Prays for a swift end*
11. The builder and Dermot tearing strips off each other
If not physically, then at least with their eyes and with their words. Such harsh plasterboard and load bearing wall-related words.
12. A granny who seems doomed to live in a shed down the field
Will she get to keep her electric blanket? Will her beloved woodchip feature wall be preserved? Will she be able to make tea? DON’T LET HER DOWN, DERMOT!
13. Dermot’s flagrant disregard for the budget
Down to the Credit Union, quick!
14. Millions and millions of windows.
Windows upon windows. Even in the granny flat with electric blanket despite the underfloor heating and new boiler.
15. The house looks gorgeous
There’s a lot to be said for loads of windows, a bit of soft lighting and a few of those dear cushions from Dunnes.