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Dublin: 10 °C Monday 19 February, 2018
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15 commandments for surviving festival toilets

I know you like to think that your sh*t don’t stink…

portaloo sunset

IT’S LONGITUDE WEEKEND.

And soon it will be Castlepalooza weekend and Electric Picnic weekend and Indiependence Weekend… you get the gist.

With festivals come portable toilets. And with portable toilets come trauma, shite and stank.

Here are some top tips for surviving those plastic cabins from hell.

Ditch the rolls

Coming to a festival completely devoid of toilet roll is, quite frankly, ludicrous. Only slightly less ludicrous is traipsing around with a great big roll of Andrex under your oxter, silently proclaiming to your fellow man that you are off to make a deposit.

roll Source: stax

Said roll of Andrex, along with the other two you brought with you if you’re camping, will also definitely get soaked/lost/eaten by someone who’s skulled a few yips/given away to strangers in a moment of drunken philanthropy.

Small packets of tissues are your friend here. Carry one or two around with you for the day, and keep replacements in your tent/at home for day two and three.

balm Source: Boots

Just don’t buy the ones with the menthol nose unblocker stuff on them. Ouch.

Wipeout

Just as with the giant toilet roll, giant packets of baby wipes the size of hay bales are unnecessary. You are not changing 178 nappies, you are going to a festival.

You can purchase wipes in small packets and again bring a packet for each day.

Not only are they handy for wiping… er… hands, you can also buy an antibacterial packet (Boots do them) to wipe the seat, thus reducing the need to hover.

anti Source: Boots

If you have to hover though…

Place one hand on the back of wall of the portable toilet to keep you steady after a few ales. Nobody wants to be this girl:

fall Source: @BeTheRave

Oh and hovering can lead to seat sprinkling, thus leading to the need for more hovering. Wipe up after yourself and be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

That goes for the men too.

piss

Queue sera sera

Portable toilet queues are inevitable. Don’t skip, but don’t get into a row over skipping. It’s not worth it.

IMG_7562 Source: Phil W Shirley

Choose the portable toilets furthest from the toilet entrance and don’t be put off by people opening cabin doors, peering in and and stumbling backwards, retching. They’re drama queens. You’re harder than them.

Do not under any circumstances bang on the door of a portable toilet

You’re not an animal. As one festival goer told us:

A girl at Forbidden Fruit went buck mad banging on a portable toilet and then your one came out and immediately squared up to her to start a fight, and the banging girl palmed it off on a nearby shy bystander.

But do knock politely…

…if the little green circle tells you the portable toilet is free and you haven’t seen anyone coming out. Startlingly high numbers of people forget to lock portable toilet doors.

portaloo sunset Source: topsynette

Try to find a portable toilet in the shade

There’s is nothing quite like the stench of a portable toilet that has been baking in the sun all morning. The roofs of the cabins are opaque so that light can come in, but it also means that the heat can come in. Grim.

Stink-Face

Place your drink in the little sink

If you simply must bring your drink in with you, place it in the little sink. Let’s face it, nobody is washing their hands in that thing. Check for piddle/puke first of course.

sink

Wear your wellies

If you’re camping at a festival don’t make the mistake of popping to the toilet in a pair of flip flips first thing in the morning. You will regret it.

Portaloos Source: rightee

Try to wangle some kind of swanky wristband

For with a swanky wristband usually comes a swanky toilet. Or at least a toilet used by fewer than 3000 people.

Veterans Source: adam sharp

Invest in a Comfy Crapper

Festivals like Electric Picnic usually offer an option of some nice toilets for a small fee. You get a wristband and then can sit on a porcelain throne like the king that you are.

comf Source: Comfy Crappers on Facebook

Try the Olbas Oil trick

Some people find that if they just can’t handle the stench, a few drops of Olbas Oil on a hanky placed over the nose masks it very well. Also, your sinuses will be in tip top shape.

oil Source: olbas.co.uk

Don’t wear playsuits or onesies

Big mistake. Huge.

Accept your fate

You are going to see piss, shite, puke, tampons and sanitary towels. Somehow, you will learn to cope.

Or bring a lock

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