IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics.
Gardaí protecting raised bogs wrestle with urge to cut turf
Monday 5 August
Gardaí who are getting overtime payments to prevent illegal turf cutting on two raised bogs are being driven demented by strong urges to cut the turf themselves.
Psychologists have warned that many of the young gardaí risk losing their minds as their desire to cut turf wrestles with their duty to prevent turf cutting.
“We are seeing formerly healthy young men coming back from the bog with severe nervous disorders,” a psychologist said.
“Asking any of our members not to cut turf on a summer’s evening is beyond the call of duty,”a Garda Representative Association spokesman said.
Dubliners terrorised by buses roaming in packs
Tuesday, 6 August
Dublin was under siege this morning after Dublin Bus workers ended their strike and roamed the city in packs of buses.
Residents said the atmosphere was menacing as there were never less than three buses together at any one time.
“They pull up at bus stops with their doors closed, revving their engines loudly,” a man who didn’t want to be named said.
“Then they open the doors but close them again just before you can get on,” he added.
Gardaí said they were powerless to intervene as this is “what buses do”.
More annoying men than annoying women on air
Wednesday, 7 August
Only a third of the largely annoying or condescending voices on radio news and current affairs coverage on the country’s three main stations are female.
New research has shown that the voices that make you want to throw your radio out the window or beat it with a sledgehammer are mostly male.
“Annoying women are under represented on air in Ireland, with stations ignoring gender balance and showing a clear preference for airing the views of annoying men,” a researcher said.
“If they have to be annoying, they should be equally annoying,” a listener said.
Public would welcome FG-FF-Labour-SF-everyone else coalition
Thursday, 8 August
A survey has found that the Irish public would welcome a Fine Gael-Fianna Fáil-Labour-Sinn Féin-everyone else coalition.
The idea found overwhelming support among voters of all ages.
“It would be a lot less tedious,” one respondent said.
“They could just form one big party,” he added. “They could call themselves what we call them.”
Warden says no child will escape from high security creche
Friday, 9 August
The warden of a Dublin creche has vowed that even the most hardened toddlers will not escape from his facility.
The high security creche uses steel doors, razor wire and shackles to keep children on the premises.
“We are following new regulations to the letter,” the warden said. “The guards on the baby-changing room are veterans of the Balkan war.”
“The only way out of Tiny Alacatraz is in a box,” he added grimly, “or when your parents come to collect you.
Ireland in The Bailout Years – a trot through 2009-present day through the satirical lens of The Mire’s Donal Conaty – is on sale now here.
