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Dublin: 2 °C Monday 11 December, 2017
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A deep dive into the issues I have with the movie The Santa Clause

It’s 2017, and CD players *still* don’t dispense hot chocolate and cookies.

AH YES, IT’S that time of year again – a time for giving, and a time to debate whose cultural and artistic tastes are vastly superior among your family.

While the jury remains out on whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie or not, one thing remains absolutely true in the cinematic realm of Christmas.

The Santa Clause is The Best Christmas Film™️.

The_Santa_Clause

Back in the heady days before we had to be overly concerned about the fact that Tim Allen was a Trump-supporting Republican, The Santa Clause was a Disney dream. It had wordplay, it had a semi-absent dad who inevitably does good and the hammering home of maintaining belief in Santa Claus.

Source: SKYTV/YouTube

For those who haven’t seen it (weird, and you should), here’s a brief synopsis – Santa visist cynical Scott Calvin’s home, falls off the roof and dies (morbid), leaving Scott to become the new Santa Claus (that’s where the ‘clause’ bit comes in).

His son witnesses the whole thing, and spends the year trying to convince everyone it’s true, while Scott tries to play it off.

A Christmas classic, certainly, but that doesn’t mean it’s exempt from criticism 23 (!!!) years later.

1. First of all, how was the Santa prior to Scott holding down that job?

Surely you’d be well used to people sneaking up on you or catching you in the act? Like, was he actually that surprised at seeing Scott when he was on the roof?

But even beyond that, how does Santa not have slip-proof boots for walking on snow and ice? You live in the North Pole, you absolute amateur.

maxresdefault Candid pic of me sliding into your DMs Source: Disney

2. The way Scott’s colleagues addressed his weight gain is problematic.

(Side note before I continue – is it fair to say that Santa kicked off the body positivity movement among men? I think so).

Scott – who works with a successful toy manufacturer – enters a board meeting looking like this …

original (1) Source: Disney

… To be greeted by his colleagues like this.

image_76ea5563 Source: Disney

I understand to a point the confusion TO A POINT in terms of his attire, especially for a board meeting. But the invasive line of questioning about this sudden weight gain was undoubtedly fat-shaming.

Maybe he did get stung by a bee Susan, ok? What’s it to you?!

This brings me on to my next issue …

3. When have you ever been in a board meeting that’s had that much of food selection to order?

Scott orders a selection of desserts, a Caeser salad and milk and cookies for lunch.

(Fun Easter egg for you though – at the end of the meeting, it’s shown that he’s eaten everything, bar the salad).

gT011fqni1-RpZovIGA70hGIFSmLYjluY42XSrw_lgk Source: Disney

You don’t win friends with salad, after all.

4. WHY DIDN’T ANY OF THE ELVES MOURN WHEN SANTA LITERALLY DIED?!

a55057d441527574efe6f335649211bd Source: Disney

Bernard the head elf didn’t so much as blink when Scott explained about him falling off the roof. Like, how bad of an employer was he?

There’s a conspiracy theory floating around on Reddit that the Santa before Scott actually staged his death in order to get out of the job, so maybe the elves were the real issue.

I’d like to think if I died that my colleagues would put up a sad tweet about me, AT THE VERY LEAST.

But speaking of Bernard …

5. Why was he so angry all of the time?

how-bernard-the-elf-in-the-santa-clause-caused-my-2-20247-1418327231-1_dblbig Source: Disney

Surely, given that we’ve established that the original Santa was an absolute slave driver, Bernard should have welcomed Scott with open arms?

And also, aren’t elves supposed to be sound generally? He could have seriously done with taking a leaf out of Judy’s book, that’s all I’m saying.

Judy-the-Elf Source: Disney

Actually, now that I think about it, Judy wasn’t perfect either.

6. It took her 700 years to come up with a hot chocolate recipe that consists of: “Not too hot, extra chocolate, shaken not stirred”?

Ok Judy.

7. And finally, Neil Miller is a Christmas villain that deserves our acknowledgement.

Ok, now I know what you’re thinking – how does a goofy-looking, Tola Vintage wearing psychiatrist compete with the likes of The Grinch? Or Harry and Marv? Or Oogie Boogie? Or Scrooge?

original Source: Disney

For starters, he is unbelievably condescending – a Trinity student if I ever saw one. How many times does he attempt to psycho-analyse Charlie and Neil to reassure his own superiority complex? Bye.

Second of all, who in their right fucking mind thinks it’s ok to tell a child that Santa doesn’t exist because of the bitter grudge he himself holds against the old man for not getting him a whistle? And then make him feel like a mentally disturbed person for believing?

Selfish. He is SELFISH.

0z2lfg66mq5A_r8-f Source: Disney

I mean, just look at his smarmy face.

MV5BMTcwNjk2NjMyNl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMDYzMzQ3._V1_ Source: Disney

In the event that this has ruined this classic Christmas romp for you, I can only reassure you that this horror re-cut is frankly much worse than what I have done here.

Merry Christmas!

Source: Aceinyourface/YouTube

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