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10 things restaurants do that nobody actually enjoys

Or maybe these are just 10 signs that you’re getting too old.

1. When most of the seating is at high tables with stools.

Let’s just get the absolute worst one out of the way first.

There’s nowhere to put your jacket, it doesn’t feel right eating dinner when you can’t comfortably put your feet on the ground and if you put your bag on the floor you can’t keep an eye on it properly. Lots of cons, virtually no pros.

2. Or even when they sit you on stools at a regular table.

Ai Weiwei exhibition in Berlin Source: DPA/PA Images

Stools are fine in pubs because most of the time you’re grateful just to have somewhere to sit. Unlike a plate of food, a pint can be lifted up to your face and drank with very little worry that it’s going to spill all over you. Stools don’t work as well in restaurants as they do in pubs. And again, where do you expect us to put our jackets?

3. When they offer excessively big burgers

The monster that is the 24oz Grizzly Bear Burger at The Thirsty Bear London

A post shared by Dean Smart (@deanssmart) on

In 2013/4 there was a huge surge in the number of places in Dublin offering obnoxiously big burgers. That trend should have died when the burritos came and took over a year later, but you’ll still find plenty of them around.

If you want to eat that much food in one sitting, fair enough, but would you not rather just order two separate burgers? When you’re eating a burger that’s just short of a foot tall, everything falls apart and becomes so messy and soggy you that you can’t even enjoy it properly.

4. And they don’t give them to you on a real plate.

There’s nothing wrong with a plate. Nobody has ever eaten from a plate and thought “this is not thrilling enough for me, bring it out on a chopping board or a slate.”

5. When staff are encouraged to check in with you every five minutes.

PastedImage-63169 Source: Achi Raz/Flickr

“Is everything OK here?” “Well no, but this really isn’t the time or the place for me to start talking about how badly Britney Spears was treated in 2007 when her mental health was at its lowest and I wish we had prepared for it when she released the song ‘Lucky’, which was undoubtedly a huge cry for help. But yeah. Everything’s grand.”

6. When you’re made to share a table with strangers.

PastedImage-13299 Source: Heidi De Vries/Flickr

There’s nothing worse than when you’re trying to have a private conversation at dinner with your friend about how Britney Spears really was flung into the public eye at such a young age in a way that few people before her ever had been, while some stranger listens in. And God forbid it’s a high communal table with stools. You might as well just stand up.

7. If the tables aren’t too big, sometimes they’re too small.

PastedImage-23505 Source: William Murphy/Flickr

What’s the deal with restaurants offering tables that aren’t even big enough for two plates and two drinks? At least buy smaller plates if you’re going to insist on keeping a tiny table.

 8. When the music is too loud, or they have an actual DJ.

PastedImage-25799 Source: The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas/Flickr

You don’t have to be a cranky and middle aged to find music in restaurants irritating. The vast majority of the time, it’s barely noticeable, but if it’s too loud to casually chat over, it’s too much.

9. When they offer to let you taste the wine.

Wine tasting Source: DPA/PA Images

We all know what wine tastes like, so it’s just awkward to make someone stand there and watch you take a sip. Let’s stop acting as if the vast majority of people ordering wine in restaurants don’t drink wine that’s on special for €9 in Dunnes Stores when they’re at home.

10. When they add a service charge to a table of two people without telling you.

Minimum wage tips loophole to be closed Source: PA Archive/PA Images

If there were more than six people dining, it would be understandable but when you planned on tipping anyway, it kinda hurts to think they don’t trust you.

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