IT’S 20 YEARS since Titanic swept cinemas in Ireland and around the world – and you’ve seen it a million times since.
People give out about the clunky dialogue and the over-the-top romance but deep down they know it’s a classic that they’ll be turning on at some stage this Christmas (or right now on Netflix. Do it.)
It’s a rollercoaster of emotions from start to finish, and your thought process probably goes something like this:
1. “Wouldn’t mind them getting to the boat part now, they’ve spent way too long setting up the ‘old woman tells a story’ device”
“At least she can lead them to the treasure!” – you, stupidly forgetting the ending to the film.
2. “We’re here for the damn Titanic, not Brock Lovett in a submarine.”
3. “I don’t care how many times I’ve seen it, I still hope Cal Hockley dies at the end”
Perhaps James Cameron has seen sense and edited the ending so that Cal gets a deserved death? Maybe by a safe falling on him? Or getting trampled by a load of heroes from steerage? He’s one of the first characters we encounter in 1912, and he’s already an enemy five seconds in.
Rose’s voiceover as she gets on the Titanic chimes in:
It was the Ship of Dreams to everyone else. To me it was a slave ship taking me back to America in chains.
4. “Ah here. Grand, Cal is a dick and the mam seems like a dose but she’s basically staying in a hotel suite on there. I’m not having that”
She obviously gets a lot sounder later on.
5. “Why were those Swedish lads betting Titanic tickets in a poker game? Madness”
What would Jack possibly have to bet that would be worth that? In fairness, there would be no story if Sven was just like “too rich for my blood”, folded, and walked off to catch the boat.
6. “Haha, Cal thinks Picasso is going to amount to nothing, the idiot”
As if you’d have any idea about what art would be considered quality in 100 years time.
7. “In fairness to James Cameron, the special effects hold up”
^says me, noted CGI expert.
8. “Let me just read the Wikipedia page halfway through to figure out who’s real and who’s fictional”
*finds self 800 words deep into Molly Brown’s biography*
9. “In fairness, that party down in steerage looks like a serious session”
10. “Jesus, yer man is some prick”
11. “Ah yes, here’s the Irish character who’s really sound but also liable to punch someone while drinking a pint. Should I be offended by this stereotype? Meh, it’s probably fair enough”
12. “Of course, the naked scene. I remember watching this with my mam/dad/elderly relatives at Christmas. God.”
13. “Good man, keep pushing the Titanic to arrive in New York in record time. This won’t backfire at all”
I believe you’ll get your headlines, Mr Ismay!
14. “Ah sure it’s nice that Tír na nÓg gets a mention… let’s just forget about the fact that they’re all going to die”
They’re not rich enough to be up on deck clambering into a sweet, sweet lifeboat.
15. “And yes, of course the Irish guy gets shot”
Titanic 1 – the Irish population 0.
16. “In fairness, Cal does get so many of the best lines, in all their arrogant glory.”
Don’t deny it:
A real man makes his own luck
It is unsinkable. God himself could not sink this ship!
Oh, there is an arrangment alright… Not that you’ll benefit from it… I always win, Jack.
I have a child!
17. “But this scene where he turns into John McClane is so, so unnecessary”
Get on a boat, man.
17. “What would I do in that situation? Would I sit, dignified waiting for my death or scramble around on deck hoping to stay afloat?”
I don’t even own a tuxedo.
18. “You’d hate to be one of those real-life people that come across as a dick in this film. 100 years after you’re gone, people are sitting around giving out about you based on one night at work where you lost your temper under stressful conditions”
19. “There is definitely room for both Jack and Rose on that door.”
It doesn’t matter how clichéd it is, they could both fit. Or at least attempt some sort of rotational arrangement.
20. “Well, at least Rose still has the Heart of the Ocean. She can sell it now and give the money to charity/her kids/literally anyone worthy of the cash”
21. “Oh yeah, she DROPS IT INTO THE OCEAN TO BE WITH JACK”
Ugh.
22. “Jack’s hardly going to have much use for it down there”
I give up.
23. “Jesus, I feel bad for Rose’s husband. Years and years of marriage, with a rake of kids and grandkids together… and heaven for her is some lad that she met for three days back in 1912 on a ship that sank?”
Husband there in his heaven being like: “where’d Rose get to?”
Repeat watch every six months or so for maximum enjoyment.
