1. Mam is coming to visit. Well, won’t that be lovely?
2. “Heya, just to let you know my Mam is coming to visit on Saturday afternoon. She’ll only be here for an hour or so.”
3. *forgets about it for three days*
4. OH CRIPES, MAM IS VISITING TOMORROW.
5. Okay, time to look at my gaff through my Mam’s eyes and see how bad it is.
6. An assortment of empty wine bottles. Windows that most certainly have not been washed since I moved in here. An unmade bed. An onion in the vegetable drawer that has gone very… soft.
7. This is worse than I thought. She’s going to think I’m a filthy animal.
8. Time to spend a small fortune on cleaning products!
9. Lemon-scented counter wipes? Boom. A spray that makes your gaff smell like lavender/jasmine/more lemons? Into the trolley with you. Lemon zesty carpet cleaner? WHY THE HELL NOT?
10. Wait, carpet cleaner? I have no use for carpet cleaner!
11. I am in my hole ever using that carpet cleaner.
12. Perhaps I can pretend I bought two and present it to my mother as some sort of gift. “They were on offer in the supermarket, so I… thought… I’d get you one as well. Surprise!” Yes, that’ll do.
13. TIME TO TURN MY HOUSE INTO A SHINY LEMONY UTOPIA!
14. All this cleaning is actually quite therapeutic/relaxing. I feel like Martha Stewart.
15. Aaaand I’m tired.
16. Okay, I’ll go to bed now and get up early to finish it in the morning. Simple pimple.
17. BOLLOCKS, IT’S 10.38am AND SHE’S GOING TO BE HERE IN TWO HOURS.
18. Oh no, I don’t have time to go to the bottle bank. Please forgive me for what I’m going to do, Earth, but I’m going to have to toss these empties into the black bin.
19. I’M SORRY, OKAY. I’M GOING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS FOR AGES.
20. *starts indiscriminately throwing shite into bin bags*
21. Is it too late to get an Airbnb and pretend that it’s my house?
22. “Hi love. Gone past red cow roundabout. There soon xxx”
23. There isn’t much time. Just Febreze everything and hope for the best.
24. Doorbell rings. You notice the “gas” postcard your mate sent you from Amsterdam that’s hanging on the fridge just in the nick of time and hide it. The last thing you need is your Mam asking you if Marie would smoke “the cannabis”.
25. Oh God, I hope the place looks alright.
26. “Isn’t the place lovely now? Here was me worried that you’d be living in your own filth.” *nervous coughs*
27. So far, so good. Until… “I’ll have a cup of tea if you’re making one.” Of course you forgot to buy tea when you were spending €127.95 on cleaning products. OF COURSE.
28. “Not a teabag in the house? Wait till I tell your father. He’ll be scandalised.” And it kicks off. Oh well, at least there’s only 58 minutes left.
29. “I might just get the last bus home actually…” NOOOO.
