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Dublin: 6 °C Wednesday 23 May, 2018
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Wedding anniversary presents are crap and they need to be changed immediately.

If someone gives me fruit for a wedding anniversary I’m asking for a divorce.

Source: GIPHY

RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE wonderful and fulfilling things. However, we much acknowledge that anniversaries are weird particularly after you get married.

Depending on which side of the Atlantic you’re on, the presents you should get each other are dictated to you by some old and frankly odd traditions. As Alan Maguire points out, these are just not up to scratch particularly in the early years.

The modern list is somehow worse.

Source: Wikiepedia

So let’s design our own version of anniversary presents just for us. We’re not going to limit these to weddings either. Use them for your mates or your pets. Hell use them for yourself. TREAT YOURSELF.

First Anniversary.

So the first year gift should be paper or cotton or a clock, all of  which are crap. What you should do is get each other one year’s supply of socks. You can never have too many socks. Plus it’s a modern spin on the cotton element.

Second Anniversary.

The second anniversary is the exact same thing just swapped around because we lack imagination apparently. Or you can have China. For the second anniversary you should get a pet that symbolizes your relationship. Something like a snake or a rat should do nicely. Or to honor China get each other a spicebag,

Third Anniversary.

The 3rd anniversary should be dedicated to leather or crystal/glass. Given how popular 50 Shades has been we would suggest some sort of leather outfit. Alternatively a leather couch could be a good substitute and Harvey Norman usually has a sale on so you’re sorted. We’ll just ignore the glass bit unless you really need new windows.

Source: GIPHY

Fourth Anniversary.

The 4th should be linen or silk, fruit and flowers (what) or else electrical appliances?  Anyone who turns up with a fruit bowl to an anniversary should receive a strongly worded letter. Take each other to cocktail classes and try every single fruit cocktail you can find.

Source: GIPHY

Fifth Anniversary.

So 5th equals wood or silverware which are both cold and hard objects (yes I can see the innuendos). If you want to be really romantic then plant a tree for each other. That or else go skiing in the Alps and look at how pretty the trees are in the snow. Just go on holiday, You deserve it.

Source: GIPHY

Sixth Anniversary.

In an odd change of pace, the sixth suggestions are iron, sugar or wood objects which doesn’t sound sinister AT ALL. Design a murder mystery for each other that culminates in some some of dinner date. The mystery can revolve around sugar somehow if you really want to. Get creative people. A CSI marathon could also work.

Source: GIPHY

Seventh Anniversary

The seventh suggests wool or desk sets. Both of those are incredibly boring so why not liven things up entirely and just buy a sheep for your household? I for one cannot foresee any issues with this AT ALL. Alternatively get each other a nice fleece.

Source: GIPHY

Eighth Anniversary

The suggestions here are bronze or SALT. Now having been together for 8 or more years you’ve probably had enough salt to last you a lifetime so why not make each other a burn book like in Mean Girls? Get all that salt out.

Source: GIPHY

Ninth Anniversary

Pottery, copper or leather goods are you options here and no I don’t know why everyone is so obsessed with leather. Get each other a massive bag of copper coins and that way you’ll never be short of change for the bus. Or get each other Leap Cards if you haven’t already. My god it’s 2018.

Source: GIPHY

Tenth Anniversary

So you’ve hit the big 10 so you think it’d be something good right? WRONG IT’S TIN. For once the modern suggestions are reasonable with diamonds finally making an appearance. If you really want tin do a Ted Cruz, just get them a 10 year supply of tinned soup. I’m sure they’ll thank you eventually.

Source: GIPHY

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About the author:

Rachel O'Neill

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