THE WORLD CUP is fast approaching with every country except us of course battling it out to be crowned the best national football team of this particular year. Alternatively we can also call the victors ‘The team with the least amount of injuries and who are definitely not England’.
Anyway some guy on Twitter came up with a list of ‘rules’ that his girlfriend (if she exists) must follow so that they can have a happy and healthy relationship throughout the competition. They are ridiculous and if I was her, I would dump him faster than he can say ‘but do you KNOW what offside means?’.
However, I am not her and as someone who plans on watching as much of the World Cup as physically possible I decided to break each rule down. Buckle up.
1. If I hear you say Cristiano Ronaldo is hot. Get out.
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
There is nothing wrong with observing that Cristiano Ronaldo is hot. However, there are much better looking players out there.
For example we have Mats Hummels for Germany.
Or Mo Salah for Egypt.
They’re just TWO examples. Set your sights higher man, Jesus.
2. When the World Cup is on, the TV is mine. Corrie, Eastenders and Hollyoaks can do one.
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
While I have no doubt watching England lose on penalties in the last 16 is VERY important to you, might I suggest buying your girlfriend a second TV or an iPad so she can watch her shows? Maybe ask her is she wants to watch the football too. I don’t know if you’ve heard but women occasionally like sports.
3. I will most likely have a bet on so if you see me annoyed that one of my teams are losing don’t you dare say,
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
-It’s only a game
-Get over it
-They’ll win next time
This will result in the relationship ending.
I would like to point out that football is ‘only a game’ but if you’re going to end your relationship over this then maybe you should take a long hard look at yourself. I’d go for broke entirely and say ‘It doesn’t actually matter’ or ‘At least we tried’ and wait for the explosion.
4. Having sex unless oral whilst I’m watching the game is out of bounds.
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
You don’t normally do it so don’t do it to try and get my attention.
What are we betting that this man never gives oral anyway because he studied at the DJ Khaled School for Selfish Men? In fairness you wouldn’t want to attempt oral if his team is playing and suddenly scores. You’ll end up looking like that dude from Hot Fuzz who got the mini chapel stuck in his mouth.
5. Replays are very important. I don’t care if I’ve already seen it, if needs be I’ll rewind the whole game and watch it again.
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
As someone who loves football I will attest that replays are important however only football journalists need to re watch the game. Go find a GIF on Twitter or listen to a podcast about it. Or better yet GO OUTSIDE AND SPEAK TO A HUMAN WOMAN. You’ll need to after your “girlfriend” reads all these “rules”.
6. I will not be attending any of your friends parties or gatherings, I’m fully booked unless it involves watching the World Cup.
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
Bring the party to him so. Have a really loud cocktail party in the kitchen and/or living room. He can watch all his football and your friends can see what a total waste of space this dude is and hopefully convince you to DUMP HIM.
7. You are welcome to watch the game with me as long as you’re SILENT.
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
‘THE WOMAN MUST BE SILENT FOR SHE KNOWS NOTHING’. Has this guy just considered being in a relationship with football instead? He’ll get about as much sex from it as he is now which is of course, none.
8. Don’t ask me what the offside rule is. The answer will be you being out of the kitchen.
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
The offside rule is literally not that hard to explain. It just means someone from the opposite team has to be between or ahead of the attacking player who touches the ball and the goalkeeper when the ball is played. Next.
9. The referee is always a wanker.
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
Like every bad football stereotype, sometimes it’s true, the referee is a wanker (example Thierry Henry handball). However, some referees are sound lads. Except Mark Clattenburg.
10. If you hear me scream your name be ready to;
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
-Get me a drink
-Get me a snack
-Get me new batteries for the remote.
All you’re getting is a clip round the ear and you’ll be lucky if you even get that.
If any of the above rules are broken or not followed you will;
— AM¹¹ (@EliteMartiaI) May 14, 2018
1st breach; receive a warning
2nd breach; Be told to get out of the room
3rd breach; Finished or divorced
3 strikes and you’re out.
‘We now go live to a feed of this man’s girlfriend on day one of the World Cup’
Enjoy the single life my dude, I hope it was worth it.
