IF YOU WERE lucky enough to have the long weekend off, chances are, you’re sitting in work in DESPAIR.
Today has all the horrors of a Monday, on a dull, monotonous Tuesday. You’ve more work than usual and a hefty hangover after yesterday’s festivities. Why is life so unfair? But us, we’re here to help.
Got a problem? We’ve got a solution.
1. There’s not enough room in your head for your skull
This was your exact expression upon waking up and realising that you have to go to work.
Solution: Repeat after us;
Four day week. Four day week. FOUR DAY WEEK.
2. You feel like you haven’t slept in three days
… and you literally haven’t, either.
Solution: Imbibe the following energy smoothie recipe for a quick little lift.
3. Everyone is out to get you
The bus driver, the person on the till in Spar, the office cleaning lady… DEAR GOD, WHY.
Solution: Keep the head down, or cover it completely with a hood or balaclava of some sort (not recommended for the shop scenario). If all else fails, just hide and run away screaming if anyone tries to interact.
4. Your fear has taken its own independent life form
If you were going on a flight today you’d need to book it a separate seat.
Solution: There is no known cure for the fear, the best you can do is shrink it by deleting all of your text conversations, dialled numbers and Facebook and Twitter statuses. You eejit.
5. Work colleagues will want to chat about what you’ve done all weekend
Grunting is kinda rude, but it’s all you can muster that isn’t “PLEASE, NO SOUNDS”.
Solution: Rehearse the following, and use it no matter what the question.
Good thanks, quiet.
6. Even thinking of opening your email makes you cry hot salty tears of despair
Solution: You’ve got this far (we hope) so PUSH ON. If you can’t bring yourself to actually do any work, at least convince everyone around you that you are.
Always have an conspicuous spreadsheet open in a tab you can quickly access if anyone walks by. No one ever questions a spreadsheet. No one.
7. It’s impossible to get comfortable and everything hurts, including your hair
What kind of invention is a chair, anyway? We’re not meant to prop our bodies up this way, it’s unnatural.
Solution: Obtain a duvet, through whatever means possible.
If you’re really against this for fear of looking a bit ‘out there’ then we suppose a big scarf would do, or… A PILLOW-SUIT. Just look at it there, a piece of apparel plucked directly from our soft cosy dreams.
8. All attempts to quench your insatiable thirst and hunger are futile
This is the view when you open your mouth:
Solution: Only stop short of drowning yourself in water. If you haven’t already near dehydrated yourself after the energy mix, you’re doing well. We recommend you move the water cooler to your desk, but if you still haven’t completed stage five, it could be a problem.
As for food, you know what to do. Eat plenty, a lot, and stick to the beige colour palette and you’ll survive until home time.