IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mirehas an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
State of Emergency declared as sun shines
Monday, 28 May
The Government has declared a State of Emergency after a week of blatant sunshine.
“Our very identity as a washed out, watery-looking people is under threat,” a spokesman said. “We expect all patriotic citizens to shout angrily at the sun until it goes away.”
“Burning household waste to block out the sun’s rays would also be helpful,” the Department of the Environment advised.
Chaos as car driven at speed limit
Tuesday, 29 May
There was chaos in an Irish town this morning after someone drove a car at the speed limit in a built-up area.
The reckless behaviour caused some people to require counselling while others – who may also require counselling – called Joe Duffy on Liveline.
Many older drivers, who always drive at 65kph irrespective of the speed limit, were particularly put out. “People could have died,” an eyewitness said. “Some people have no conscience.”
Unemployed must be available for work during Euro 2012
Wednesday, 30 May
Unemployed people could have their social welfare payments suspended if they take a sickie during Euro 2012.
The Department of Social Protection has insisted the unemployed must be available for work during all of Ireland’s 2012 matches.
“Like the unemployed, we are excited about Ireland’s participation in Euro 2012,” a spokesman said.
“But they must not take a sickie during the tournament. That’s our job,” he added.
Amnesty calls on Amnesty to save Suu Kyi from Bono
Thursday, 31 May
Human rights organisations like Amnesty International have called on Amnesty International not to expose Aung San Suu Kyi to Bono when she visits Ireland.
“She has suffered enough,” an activist said. “He could sing at her or, worse still, recite a poem. No one should have to endure that.”
“Not being exposed to Bono is all that kept her going during her years of confinement,” he added.
Irish children not drinking alcohol often enough
Friday, 1 June
Irish children don’t drink alcohol often enough according to a “bitterly disappointing” European survey.
The European School Survey Project on Alcohol and Other Drugs found that Irish teenagers drink more but less often than their European peers.
“This lazy approach to alcoholism is bitterly disappointing,” a junior government minister responsible for sending young Irish drunks to Australia said.
“It’s no wonder the country is in the state it’s in.”
