TONIGHT BROUGHT US the first live episode of this year’s The Voice Of Ireland.
We strapped ourselves in with tea and biscuits to bring you all the action, as it happened.
Do you have strong feeling about the results? Do you have the hots for one of the judges? Or do you simply pine for another sight of Sharon’s glorious golden pants? We want to know your thoughts – so leave a comment, or tweet me @michfreeman or @dailyedge.
The best comments will be shameless appropriated.
Are we sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin…
Hello everyone! Hope you’ve survived St Patrick’s Day so far and are now settling in for a spot of top-notch singing. And/or painful humiliation. Whichever.
We’d just like to remind everyone that we’ve stayed sober all day to bring you this liveblog. So this live show had better be good. No pressure RTE.
If you haven’t been keeping up (or even if you just want a refresher), your first stop should be our essential roundup of everything that’s happened so far. If you haven’t even got time for that here’s the ten-second version… Loads of people sang. Some of them got booted out. Bressie pouted. Kian looked blank. Jamelia was really cheerful. Sharon wore gold pants.
AND WE ARE GO. Sharon is already giving out the intense stares, and we’re not even through the opening montage yet. Nobody knows what being caught in her stare is like, and you know why? Because NOBODY EVER LIVES TO TELL THE TALE.
And there’s the weird woman yelling THIS IS THE VOICE. Does anyone else find the giant metal fist disturbing? Just me?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. ALL FOUR JUDGES are on stage, and they’re banging out Teenage Kicks. Sharon’s giving it loads on the violin. Kian is playing the GUITAR. Bressie is hammering the drums like they’re something that belong to Kian, that he wants to break. Maybe they do.
Kathryn is explaining the rules, which seem unnecessarily complicated. In the meantime, let’s look at who’s singing tonight:
Team Sharon: Dean Anthony, Mark Guildea and Aoife McLoughlin
Team Bressie: Velvin Lamont, Katy Anna Mohan and Shannon Murphy
Team Kian: Andy MacUnfraidh, Shane McLaughlin and Daryl Phillips
Team Jamelia: Róisín Carlin, Dylan Powell and Sophie Rishcar
Now Eoghan McDermott is urging the viewers to tweet about Sharon’s gold pants. Using the hashtag #goldpants. Does that not qualify as cyberbullying?
Jamelia’s acts are up first. She says she’s SURE the winner is on her team. But also that “if you make one floor, you’re going home”.
Is there a carpentry module we don’t know about? Hang on, maybe she meant “flaw”.
Up first is Roisin Carlin. She’s enlisted four men to prance around her energetically, like six-foot-tall Billie Barry kids. And she’s singing Taylor Swift’s Trouble. Where are the yelling goats?
She gets six points from Kian, and we hear a noise like a giant anvil falling on her hopes and dreams.
Seven points from Sharon who calls her a “very brave girl”, like she’s just scratched her leg and is doing her best not to cry. Six from Bressie.
Eight from Jamelia. “Honestly it’s not because she’s on my team.” Whatever.
Next up: Sophie Rischar. She decided to go on Jamelia’s team because “she always wears great shoes”. And she has shining, glorious teeth, which she likes to show us as she sings Aretha Franklin. We kind of want to hear her tips for dental hygiene.
Comment of the night so far goes to TheClothesline.ie, who asks: “Is that a leopardskin thong on the front of Sharon’s dress?”
We don’t know. We just don’t know.
“How are you feeling?” Kathryn asks Sophie. In reply, she just gets a kind of WAAAAARGH sound. Not entirely unlike a yelling goat, actually.
Sophie gets 30 points, partially because Jamelia has evidently embarked on a campaign of giving all her acts loads of points. Also, we’re guessing, because the judges all want to get in her good books before asking what mouthwash she uses.
Now we’re hearing Dylan Powell, who’s singing Sittin’ On The Dock Of The Bay and has apparently dressed as a longshoreman for the occasion. That’s what we’re getting from his hat, anyway. But he looks like a lovely lad. G’wan Dylan.
Dylan gets 7 from Kian, who says it’s “a fair score and it gives you room to grow”. Like a good school uniform then.
Jamelia says she’s not happy with the scores from the other judges. Fight! Fight! Fight!
We’ve got another look at the thing on the front of Sharon’s dress. And (as TheClothesline.ie has conscientiously pointed out) it’s not a leopardskin thong, it’s a pair of regular lacy black knickers. On the front of a dress.
Kind of like she was hanging out the laundry before coming to the studio, and they got caught on a button. Or have the other judges pinned them there as a joke? We must get to the bottom of this.
Kian’s act Shane McLaughlin is singing The Killers’ Mr Brightside while four women gyrate furiously around him. Who put this together? It’s like rock stardom as dreamed by Ryan Tubridy after a heavy night on the cheese.
Meanwhile, an idea for Eoghan McDermott and his #goldpants plan. We fully support this.
Kian is having a pop at Jamelia’s “give my acts all the points” strategy (that’s GMAATP, for your notes). He’s just miffed because Kathryn laughed at his dancing ladies.
Commenter Anna Lark says:
Shane McLaughlin i’m sure is great but i couldnt watch his performance because i was scarlet looking at the pvc pant dancers in bras while sitting with the auld pair watching the Voice.
So, anyone for tea?… No?… I’ll put the kettle on.
Sorry, we missed Daryl Philips in all the excitement about the dancing ladies. But Jamelia has given him a FIVE, and now Kian is shouting at her. “This is a JOKE,” he yells. Does he know he’s wearing a jacket with zips on the lapels?
Kian’s next act Andy has just promised that if he gets to the final, he will get “Kian Egan’s face tattooed on me bum”.
He may be the first act that has to actually eject himself from the competition.
Andy’s done a belting rendition of Umbrella AND he’s taking the piss out of Kian. He says he’s not singing Westlife songs because they have “tricky chord progressions”. Andy might be our new favourite.
We want to know which backstage RTE staff member has to make the heavy-metal-objects-falling noises when the judges give their scores. We’re imagining someone, maybe Marty Whelan, kicking anvils (or bank safes) off a high gantry every time Bressie says “I give you a seven”.
They’re making a lot of Eoghan McDermott in the “engine room”. I’m pretty sure the engine room is constructed out of offcuts from the original Starship Enterprise.
Also, nothing really happens in it, as it’s just people sitting around having an awkward chat with Eoghan. Did they forget to install the engine?
We’ve just spotted this little nugget from Eoghan’s Twitter:
And we’re back! We’ve had a bit of dinner and a cup of tea, and we’re generally feeling much better. Hope you are too. That’s if you haven’t been trampled by the marauding hordes currently stampeding around Irish towns for our national holiday.
OK, WE HAVE SOME BREAKING KNICKERDRESS NEWS.
Here it is:
The dress is NOT in fact the result of Sharon being let loose in the dressing-up box. It’s DESIGNER. And at least two exist in the world. Look! Someone else owns a knickerdress!
Did Sharon Corr just do a Smooth Criminal montage in her gold pants, or did we slip into a dream for a moment?
IT’S RESULTS TIME. Jamelia’s team are first.
They look transfixed, like animals about to be run over by Kian in his SUV.
Roisin goes through and scuttles offstage for a stiff drink (at least, that’s what we’d have if we were her). Then Jamelia picks Dylan. Sophie is going home, and is left with the unenviable task of staying on camera while trying not to crumple around the face.
Now team Kian.
Shane goes through first, then Andy.
“This is so awful,” says Kathryn, like the truth-telling oracle that nobody listens to.
“Sorry, dude,” says Kian as he crushes Daryl’s dreams like a bug.
Team Bressie’s Cheekbones Results:
Shannon goes through, then Katy-Anna. Velvin is out DESPITE having by far the best name in the competition. This is inexplicable.
“Will you come out and celebrate St Patrick’s Day with us?” asks Kathryn. Where? Where are they celebrating? I want to go to there. (If only to get out of the house.)
Finally, Team Sharon. Who have had their limelight pretty much entirely removed so far by Sharon’s wardrobing decisions, so this is more or less the first time anyone’s noticed them.
Sharon consults her chest-knickers for inspiration (we’re assuming) on the decision.
“This is like impossible,” says Sharon, poet-like. Then sticks the knife into Dean. “I’m sorry hon. I’m sorry. Sorry. I’m really sorry Dean.”
She then adds that she will “always be available” to him. Wait, what?
THIS IS THE VOICE. THIS IS THE VOICE. THE VOICE. THIS IS THE THIS IS THE VOICE. WAAAAAAAAAH. THIS IS THE VOICE. Yes, it’s the closing credits, and the end of our liveblog.
Thanks for joining us tonight, and hope you’ve enjoyed it. We’ll be back next week for the other half of the contestants, and more of Sharon’s unique approach to clothing. Til then!
A final recap of the results:
Team Sharon: Dean Anthony went out. Mark Guildea and Aoife McLoughlin went through.
Team Bressie: Velvin Lamont went out. Katy Anna Mohan and Shannon Murphy went through.
Team Kian: Daryl Phillips went out. Andy MacUnfraidh and Shane McLaughlin went through.
Team Jamelia: Sophie Rishcar went out. Róisín Carlin and Dylan Powell went through.
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