1. Isn’t it well for some?
Translation: Hmm, how did they afford that now?
2. Try on the top here, nobody’s looking at you!
Translation: I’m actually fairly sure I saw your teacher from junior infants over there, but I’m going to keep that to myself for now. Now slip on the skirt over your jeans like a good girl!
3. Adele tickets? Oh, that’d be really lovely now.
Translation: If you don’t get me Adele tickets for Christmas, I will disown you all.
4. Eoin got me a *lovely* bath set.
Translation: Eoin didn’t pick up on my 1,298 hints about Adele and has really gone down in my estimation.
5. Get well soon, LOL!
Translation: Yes, I’m still operating under the assumption that “LOL” means “lots of love”.
6. Would you like some Evening Primrose Oil?
Translation: I’m sensing that you’re menstrual. (Also, I bought seventeen tubs of Evening Primrose Oil in Holland & Barrett in their 1c sale.)
7. He’s very… comfortable.
Translation: Forbes named him the 7th richest man in the world last year.
8. Will you have a cup of tea?
Translation: Ha! Rhetorical question. You have no say in this matter.
9. “I didn’t like what Charlotte O’Hanson wore.”
Translation: I didn’t like what Scarlett Johansson wore.
10. A letter came for you. Do you want me to open it?
Translation: Too late, I’ve already opened it and know the contents off by heart.
11. If you’re cold, put a jumper on.
Translation: I am Mam, Benevolent Controller of the Central Heating, and I’m not turning on the heating until I can see my own breath.
12. I’ll say a prayer to St. Anthony for you.
Translation: LOL, you’re f**ked.