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Dear Fifi: How do I cope with my feelings of loneliness?

It’s Tuesday, which means Dear Fifi.

dearfifiheader

Do you ever give any thought to what you might title your memoirs? Grace Jones has arguably got the entire market sewn up with hers – named I’ll Never Write My Memoirs. I was thinking about something like Extremely Confused After Naps: The Fiona Hyde Story.

I can’t help you with the memoir title thing, but please get in touch if anything else is troubling you. Anonymously, confidentially, and securely here.

dearfifibar

So, I got out of a long term relationship last year. My only relationship. And I’m not quite sure I’m over it yet. But I’ve also been extraordinarily lonely for a while, despite having some pretty good friendships. This is all combined with a general feeling of unworthiness, unattractiveness, and a doubt that anyone could ever actually “like” me again and that the almost seven years I spent with my ex was based on a fluke.

That might sound like despair, but most of the time I feel quite detached from those feelings, as though I’m objectively observing someone else. Is the answer to work on some self-love or is putting myself out there a bit more the way forward? Or something else?

Loneliness is one of the most paradoxical human experiences. Everyone feels lonely sometimes, but it’s so difficult to admit openly that we all assume we are the only ones.

Without knowing anything more about you than I do from this letter, I can tell you quite firmly that someone will like you again. Your relationship was not a fluke. Please believe that. You are being so hard on yourself. Remember two facts always: 1. You don’t deserve to feel like this. 2. This is not the way you will feel forever.

Being lonely is a part of life sometimes. A difficult one. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you will be lonely forever. Bear in mind that you are going through a big life shift – seven years is a long time to spend with another person, and you don’t slot into a new position in life overnight. Allowing yourself to feel unsettled while accepting it will pass is a tough balancing act, but I promise this will get easier with time.

In the meantime, you mention that you have some great friendships. Imagine one of these close friends came to you and trashed themselves the way you do to yourself – called themselves unattractive and unworthy. You would be horrified. Be horrified on your own behalf. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would extend to your loved ones. Go easy on yourself.

If you don’t feel ready to admit your feelings of loneliness and low self-worth to a close friend, it might be worth seeking out a counsellor who you can talk these things through with in confidence. Verbalising what you are experiencing might help with your feelings of detachment – and you might be surprised what comes out when you start talking. Talking about this will help.

Getting out of your own head, talking about how you feel, trying to connect with those good friends you have, and giving yourself a massive break are all steps on the road to feeling less down. I hope you take them soon – and good luck. <3

dearfifibar

Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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