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Dublin: 11 °C Saturday 23 June, 2018
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12 of the most depressing properties on the Dublin rental market this March

Spoiler alert: things are as grim as ever.

1. First up, we’ve got this €650 per month studio apartment on the North Circular Road.

The most interesting feature in this property is definitely the bathroom. You literally have to climb over the toilet to gain access to the shower.

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Think of how much you could increase productivity with this setup. During all of the time you’re not vomiting from putting your bare foot down the toilet, or in A&E with a concussion from falling over the toilet and smacking your head off of the tiles, you could get so much done.

You could sit down for a pee and brush your teeth at the same time. You could sit down for a pee and wash your face at the same time. You could sit down for a pee and wash your hands at the same time. Yeah. That’s about it. There’s a reason why people don’t put their toilets this close to the sink.

Then we’ve got the kitchen/dining/bedroom area. The bed looks like a cast member from Grey’s Anatomy.

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Luckily, the bed is located very near to the kitchen sink, so it is ready to scrub in at a minute’s notice. Here’s the sink:

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And here’s the bed hanging out nearby:

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2. If that doesn’t appeal to you, you could have a room in this house in Swords for €1,000 a month.

One room, in a house that has five bedrooms.

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Yes. Some grown adult is expected to fork out €1,000 a month to house share. Inside, the decor is reminiscent of a secondary school’s oratory.

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In the bedrooms on offer, there’s an interesting selection of duvet covers. You’d be hard pressed to come across anything like these bedsheets over the last two decades.

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The colour scheme in the third bedroom is also a harsh reminder of how popular terracotta paint was during the Celtic Tiger.

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Although the property is listed as €1,000 per room, the property description actually informs us that the rooms are going for €450 – €1,150. Bills aren’t included either.

3. Over in Stoneybatter, you can get this studio apartment for €960 per month.

Here’s one side of the room. There’s a feature wall to create the illusion that the alcove with the bed in it is a whole other room.

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Then over in the kitchen, the microwave is perched precariously over the oven. Tenants must be over 6ft tall to avail of microwave services.

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Seriously. Imagine you’re relaxing there in bed, and you suddenly hear a ding. Oh, lovely. The Micro Chips are done. Better walk two feet over to the microwave to get them. You try bat them out of the microwave with the handle of a sweeping brush, only to be scalded by the hot microwave chips raining down on you from the sky.

 4. In Donnybrook, we’ve got this €850 per month studio apartment.

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Every night you are forced to stare at your own reflection in the microwave as you fall asleep. Confronting yourself is honestly the last thing you need after handing over a month’s rent for this little cubby in a renovated period home that has been divided up into ten apartments.

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 5. For the same amount of money, you could get this property in Rathcoole, which is near the border of Kildare.

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A couple of questions about the kitchen on this one.

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Why is the bin on the shelf? Beside a can of polish? Will the broken press handle be replaced for future tenants? Are tenants supposed to sit on that stool and stare into the microwave? As we’ve just pointed out, that’s probably the last thing they need right now.

The strangest thing about this property, however, is the fact that the bathroom is accessible from the back garden.

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Maybe this room previously acted as a porch. Who knows?

6. Also for €850, is this apartment in Harold’s Cross.

The theme of this month is microwaves, for some reason. Here we have another ridiculously placed microwave. In the middle of the dinner table. Saves you a journey to collect your beans, in fairness.

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If you squint, you can kind of make out the sink over there beyond the oven. Between the oven and the sink, there’s about 5 inches of counter space to use to prepare food.

In a separate room we’ve got the bed. A separate bedroom and kitchen. What more could anyone ask for?

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The composition of this photo tricks you into believing this room is a bit wider than it actually is. The next photo, of the wardrobes in the same room, sets the record straight.

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7. For €800, you could wake up next to these couches in Dun Laoghaire every morning.

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Literally.

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The view at the end of the bed isn’t that exciting, either.

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8. For €880 you could have this apartment in Benburb St.

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Yes, that’s a set of bunkbeds for children. If there’s a surefire way to destroy any friendship/relationship, it’s sleeping together in a room that’s also your kitchen, living and dining room.

Think of how much you’d grow to hate your best friend if they woke you up every morning while they were getting dressed, or if they started to make breakfast 4 feet away from the bed you’re sleeping in. Now imagine that with a roommate who you already probably don’t like very much. This landlord should be offering people €880 to stay here, rather than asking for it.

9. If you increase your budget to €1,000, things don’t get much better.

This one’s in Stoneybatter.

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If you’re willing to drop 2/3 of your wages on rent, you’re still expected to sleep with an oven at the foot of your bed. It’s the same awful arrangement, just in a bright and airy setting.

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Nobody in a property this size needs that many armchairs.

10. For €1,200, you’ll basically get the same thing in Drumcondra, just in a wider room.

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By the looks of things, there’s no wardrobe. That’s grand, just stick your clothes in the press over the fridge. It’s right beside your bed anyway.

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11. €800 will get you a ‘luxury’ apartment in Santry.

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This luxury accommodation is an attic bedroom with a desk and a mini fridge in a house shared with at least 11 other people.

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There’s also a shared kitchen too. Hopefully they have a roster written up for the oven.

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12. Last but not least, we’ve got this €900 studio apartment in Stoneybatter.

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They put the microwave on the windowsill to get the most out of that counter space.

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Well, it’s better than fearing for your life while you try and get your Micro Chips out.

Have a look at all of the other sad properties we’ve spotted>

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About the author:

Kelly Earley

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