ANYONE WHO HAS ever endured a kidney infection, a bout of cystitis or any UTI will know that they’re no laughing matter.
In fact, they’re an absolute hell on earth. And that’s being kind.
Whether you’ve only ever experienced one in your lifetime or – and believe us, you have our sympathies here – are prone to getting them on the regular, your brush(es) with hell mean you become part of a club no one wants to be a member of.
Put it this way; tell a randomer you have the flu, and you’ll receive a cursory platitude in return.
Tell a randomer you have a UTI, and you’ll receive an anguished look, a clutched arm, a flurry of remedies and a torrent of well wishes.
In other words, when you know you know.
In fact, anyone, who has ever had one, has a story locked and loaded for the hell they endured before the antibiotics kicked in.
UTIs force you to consider (and often do) things you just wouldn’t fathom in the whole of your health.
And here are just 23 things, in no particular order, you’ll know to be true if you’ve ever been struck down with one of them.
1. You never know what form it’ll take.
Sometimes you might get a niggly feeling that one is on the way, and other times it lands out of nowhere like an absolute tonne of bricks.
Neither is preferable, and both make you want to crawl into a hole.
ooooh lovely. Got a cracker of a kidney infection 😐 #kidneyinfection
— Sophie 🐝 (@sophiietownsend) June 24, 2018
2. You’ve gone into damage control.
You’ve downed two litres of water before you’ve even given yourself time to think… and then you allow the fear to settle, and acceptance to set in.
My ultimate least favourite #painflare symptom - when your nether regions burn and you get #UTI like symptoms, but know that nothing can ease the pain 😡 Worst when you’re out and just need to keep #pacing and hopping about like a weirdo. #spoonieproblems #chronicpain
— A Chronic Voice (@AChVoice) February 3, 2018
3. You’ve raided your own arsenal of supplies, and found fleeting comfort in your initial course of home treatment.
If you’re prone to UTIs, it’s likely you’ll have a battered over-the-counter treatment nestled at the bottom of your handbag which you’ve teamed with a carton of cranberry juice (for all the good it does you) and a random painkiller you’ve found in your desk drawer.
The sad moment when you actually like the taste of cranberry juice. #kidneyinfection #month
— Ashlynn Marie💋 (@ashlynns96) April 18, 2013
4. You Google everything about UTIs even though you could present symposiums on them.
Even though you know right well you’re in the grips of the mother of all UTIs, you decide to double-check by researching the symptoms.
Weirdly, you gain solace from ticking off each one as you go through them. Yep, you’re not just in UTI territory, you’re the Lord Mayor of the place.
Someone please come rub my back 😫😫 #kidneyinfection #cuntingkidneys
— Chloe Humphrey (@chloe_humphrey) September 21, 2016
5. You are utterly consumed by the symptoms.
And you assess each and every symptoms as it happen.
Burning, piercing pain, desire to die; yep all there.
today was probably one of the
— Lex (@lexiiilovexo) May 2, 2013
most physically painful days of
my life #kidneyinfection #ow💉
6. You shy away from human interaction.
When you think you need to pee every three minutes, it’s hard to maintain a normal conversation with family, friends or co-workers.
Don't think I can sit through an hours lecture without having to go to the toilet #assed #fixmeplease
— Rachel McDermott (@racheldermy) December 2, 2012
7. You know not all UTIs are born equal.
While some people complain of a burning sensation, you’re more flustered by the lack of urine you’re able to generate after frantically downing litres of water.
And while some people can barely handle the pain in their backs, you’re more concerned by your raging temperature.
Would you think less of me if I said I were tweeting from the toilet where I am trying to urinate 3 drops of burning pee? #UTI fun & games
— Vicky K ♿ (@curlywurlygirly) January 3, 2017
8. You envision setting up a makeshift bed in the bathroom.
It sounds repellent while in the whole of your health, but it sounds ludicrously enticing when you spend your entire day shuffling back and forth from your bed to the bathroom.
Dear #UTI It's very impressive that your bacteria makes me need to pee once every 25 minutes but I would appreciate a 3 hour window to kip!
— Claire Cooper (@tiscooperwoman) May 2, 2017
9. You envision setting up a makeshift toilet in the bed.
You know you really have it rough when the idea of laying down some towels and creating a makeshift nappy for yourself in bed sounds like the only answer.
I'm sleeping on top of two towels so I can dribble pee out instead of having to go to the bathroom every 10seconds. #UTI
— Chase Paradise (@StripperComic) July 24, 2017
10. You have considered peeing in the shower if needed.
Again, you need to be in the throes of an unholy UTI to see peeing on yourself in the shower as some form of relief, but millions have been there.
Had to get up early to go pee this morning... and then I had to get up 4 more times to try and determine if I *actually* have a UTI or I just *think* I have a UTI...#probablyactually #sexlife #whyme #uti
— Rose (@becausethirties) January 31, 2018
11. You have peed in the shower, and didn’t once regret it.
You will live and die by that choice. And you’d do it again if you had to.
Not long untill I start peeing cranberries 🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒 #cystitis
— Stine (@Stine2007) March 14, 2015
12. You have tried to outdo yourself with descriptions of the pain you’re in.
You’ll tell anyone who’ll listen how much pain you’re in, but it’s clear your original adjectives are no longer doing the job.
And that’s when you have to dig deep and get creative. Think ‘lava’, ‘knives’ and ‘perforated urethras’.
When your bladder hurts so much that it may as well contain battery acid instead of urine 😭😒🤒 #Endometriosis #cystitis #chronicpain
— ChronicallyFroggy (@FroggyPatt) July 14, 2016
13. You have compared your current condition with previous ailments, and maintained that nothing will ever compare with the horror of your current state.
Remember that time you had a chest infection and couldn’t get out of bed for two weeks? That has nothing on this.
I would rather give birth completely natural to 17 more kids than to ever have a #kidneyinfection.... these are SO PAINFUL. #miserable 😷😩
— Teresa Brown 🌸 (@tmbrown04) November 20, 2016
14. You struggle to understand how anyone can maintain their standard routine while in the grips of a UTI.
You’ve heard of people who have had to – no two ways about it – continue with their day despite being struck down. And that’s just how you know that there’s no way their UTI was anything remotely as debilitating as yours.
I haven't been away from my house for more than an hour for the past 7 days. I am turning into a glowing couch decoration. #kidneyinfection
— The Cat With A Bunch of Dental Work To Do (@glassesonacat) May 8, 2017
15. You barter with the universe, knowing it’s a futile exercise.
You promise you’ll drink three litres of water with breakfast, four with lunch and five with dinner from here on out, if the antibiotics would just work a little quicker.
Oh, and you’ll never wear another pair of tights as long as you live, you swear.
If I die, tell my children I love them. #kidneyinfection
— Maggie (@maggiediane) July 14, 2009
16. You bite your tongue when the GP wheels out their standard advice upon diagnosing you with a UTI.
Pee after sex. Drink water. Buy cranberry supplements.
No, how about you actually run some tests on me and explain why I continue to get UTIs DESPITE doing everything mentioned above. How about that?
Penultimate antibiotic pill taken. #cystitis 😖
— Rosalind Adam (@RosalindAdam) June 23, 2018
17. You reflect on all the times you were actually well, and how you took it for granted.
It’s all about living life to the fullest. Not about sitting on the side of your bath waiting for the next thimbleful of pee to show itself.
@Reidbtravis My body finally got back at me. #kidneyinfection
— Nathan (@NathanDaniel515) July 23, 2010
18. You don’t remember what it was like not to fear a visit to the bathroom.
The place has become your torture chamber. And no amount of positive thinking will get you through this hell.
i swear my Kidneys feel like i'm laying in Coal, i'm scared to piss like i just fucked @ihatekatstacks this SUCKS #KIDNEYINFECTION
— TimmyTimmyTimTurner (@Andre_Swagassi) May 15, 2010
19. Your only solace comes in the form of hotwater bottles and painkillers.
Because let’s face it, no matter how much water you drink, you’re still only producing approximately a teaspoon of pee so it’s not like that’s working.
Oh, the knowledge that the antibiotics are currently doing their job.
Still a bundle of misery, but at least I have some medicine now. #kidneyinfection #bleh
— Average Jane (@average_jane) March 13, 2010
20. You struggle to be around people.
Look at them with their uninfected bladders, pain-free lower back and sweat-free brow; they are no longer my people.
@racheldermy I emailed dr taggart and said I wasn't going to my tutorial tomorrow cause I couldn't sit through an hour #kidneyinfection
— Becca houston (@beccahouston1) December 3, 2012
21. You marvel at people who have never endured the hell you are now living.
What have they done to avoid this nightmare? How can you be more like them? You must get them to teach you their ways.
Tried to pee in the cup today for a possible #UTI and was unsuccessful. So frustrating! #spoonie
— Emily (@mamasick) April 11, 2018
22. You fear everything associated with potential causes.
Sex, nylon knickers, bubble baths; you will forego all and more if it means you never have to live through another one of these things.
going pee once was my favorite past time, but now it's something unavoidable and like a nightmare that is still there when i wake up #UTI
— April Donna (@allaprilis) May 4, 2013
23. You never forget the first visit to the bathroom after the antibiotics have worked their magic.
Look at me; peeing like a normal human! A full stream, no agonising pain, no desire to die. I’M CURED!
After nearly 3 weeks I am taking my final antibiotic! :) #KidneyInfection https://t.co/uiLShVw550
— Kimberley Tyler (@KimberleyJTyler) February 5, 2016
