Saturday 21 May, 2022
THERE WERE TEARS, there were mentions of frontage and you better believe there were lads getting forced into marriage. The Rose of Tralee is over for another year, and we have a lovely new Rose, Maria Walsh of Philadelphia.
We were there through it all. The ups, the downs, but we’ve all come out alive and the lovely girls have done us all proud.
We may never get justice for the Sydney dog, but we know it’s out there–happy.
Here’s how it went down.
HERE WE GO. We have 14 lovely girls to meet tonight, you lucky, lucky bunch. Who’s it gonna be? The Abu Dhabi Rose is favourite to win according to the bookies. You might remember her as Elsa from Frozen with a dye-job.
We’re not starting anything but being a princess obviously carries an unfair advantage.
If you’re abroad and missing Daíthí running riot with some icy buckets, here’s all the info you need to tune in.
You’re welcome.
There’s the Boston Rose, with a very racy back on her dress. Cover your nanny’s eyes.
The Donegal Rose has a ZOO, no less. Notions.
Her dog is cute though. Fair dues.
THAT MOWHAWK. The Arizona Rose’s brother is literally wearing her face in his hair.
We bow down. We aren’t worthy.
The Arizona Rose is currently doing an interpretive dance. It looks a bit like she’s just waving her arms around, to be honest.
Someone’s been watching the Bush.
Your mam wouldn’t be into that at all now.
Sharon? Any input?
The Canada Rose IS Amber Heard. We won’t hear otherwise.
No talent though. Couldn’t give us an aul poem there?
Is the Perth Rose really talking about water this much when Daíthí literally chucked three buckets over his head last night?
FOR SHAME DAÍTHÍ.
Top quality banner show from Nottingham there.
Her hairband isn’t cutting it though. Just half? Surely a bit impracticable.
*quietly gags*
DAÍTHÍ JUST DID LORD OF THE DANCE. Well, Flatley’s pose, anyway.
Uncanny.
We may never recover. Here is the lovely Nottingham Rose holding up her dress while she jigs to cleanse your mind. Look at that drop with the finish. Flawless.
Right relax, we’re getting closer to be big finish. Titter.
If you’re watching on RTÉ player you can catch the action in the notorious* Red Room.
Scary things happen there. It’s a world of hedonism and bad rapping. Here’s a link. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
*it’s not notorious.
Nancy the North Carolina Rose, and the craic she’d have with you.
She’s chatting to Aiden Power in the Red Room now and we’re a little jealous.
There was rapping in the Red Room. If you’re not watching it, you’ve NO IDEA what you’re missing.
The Derby Rose dropped some beats. Golddigger, to be specific.
You know the bad word in it? She almost let it slip.
The face of immediate regret, ladies and gentlemen.
One of the escorts was asked to do a strip to Peter Andre’s Mysterious Girl but he was too morto so someone TOOK OFF HIS JACKET to get him started.
Not cool. Who do we call about this? Give this lad some help.
We can feel the heat of his mortification from here.
The Cork Rose is representin’ colour-wise.
HUP THE REBELS.
She even has her own cardboard cut out, and 20 ALL IRELAND medals, no less.
The judges just did a little wee.
Is the Cork Rose’s boyfriend a snooker player?
And his vest is RED. Shocker. Daíthí decided to ask him if he wanted to propose, which we now assume he’ll do for ever Rose’s boyfriend for all of eternity.
Stop trying to make proposals happen.
They’re not going to happen. We hope.
Ah, the Texas Rose. Last year’s winner. Will they be lucky again?
We’re not sure, but we’re loving this little fan.
Get it girl.
Did anyone see how ungrateful Daíthí was for that t-shirt the Texas Rose gave him?
It looks like dirty nappies.
Ah Daíthí.
PUT IT ON, PUT IT ON.
The Dubai Rose looks fierce like Kim Kardashian, doesn’t she?
And she has NO BOYFRIEND. Is this even allowed?
It made the mention of road frontage possible though, and for this we are thankful.
But look at her escort. Could this be love? Daíthí said he’s a ‘fine face’.
He does. A friendly face. If a bit scarlet.
The Washington Rose’s mammy made her dress.
What do we think?
Oh.
Important interval to allow time to search for some vital information.
We must know. For reasons.
*Every lad in Kerry frantically swipes right*
How are we doing on the Bingo? With the show nearly at a conclusion we can safely say that Daíthí and co delivered on the clichés.
We’ve gone through about 20.
HE DID IT! The D’Arcy has completed the ice bucket challenge, and on his holliers of all places!
The Kentucky Rose is a bit of a comedian. A Billy Barry kid to the core.
Yous aren’t impressed though.
Can’t handle the sass.
We’re not tryna start anything but she DOES know how to make Kentucky Fried Chicken.
The New Zealand Rose just got up close and personal with Daíthí and now we’re all very uncomfortable.
SHIFT SHIFT SHIFT.
But what’s that on her wrist? A tin of beans?
There’s a terrible lack of talent on show here. Did we do something on them?
More poems! More weird dancing! More playing of the mini guitars!
Is the Philadelphia Rose Maria off to a wedding after this? Like, HER OWN?
Lovely pearly earrings and everything. LOVELY. LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY *collapses into a foetal position in the corner*
Revelations are coming fast and strong. The Philadelphia Rose doesn’t drink. We have mixed feelings about this, but it’s probably the reason her skin is so crystal clear.
Glowing. We’d say glowing.
The Carlow Rose Miriam Smyth has brought along some followers to rival Cork’s showy display earlier.
It’s all getting very Winning Streak.
She’s talking about her proud daddy now. Does any one else hope she just reads Daíthí another bed time story?
#NEVERFORGET
“No kissing, straight in.” DAÍTHI! He’s completely lost the run of himself. He can already see the pint of Guinness waiting for him when this is all over.
The pint of Guinness and the tiny beard comb you just know he uses during the ad breaks.
Oh, the Rose? Well, she’s a fan of One Direction so that’s al right by us.
*Ducks*
The Carlow Rose is doing an interpretive dance that she went and CHANGED for.
What is this blasphemy? We all know it’s Daíthi’s job to reef the big dresses off them to reveal a little one.
We’re deducting points but she did the splits and Daíthí called her Miriam O’Callaghan for the bants, so we all have our crosses to bear.
We’re almost there! Who’s it gonna be?
Nathan Carter’s here to sing us all out. There’s lots of hand clapping.
Here comes the recap. Use it to get your final cuppa or go for a slash before the results.
WHO’LL GET THE CROWN?
Incredible scenes.
Ah here’s last year’s winner, the Texas Rose, Hayley O’Sullivan.
Isn’t she lovely?
That crown would have your eye out.
*Waves*
Announce it already! These thank yous have been going on since the beginning of time.
Congratulations to the Philadelphia Rose Maria Walsh, the lucky divil! All that lovely cutlery to call her own.
Isn’t she lovely? Our 2014 Rose of Tralee.
We knew it. From the moment we laid eyes on her dewy skin and started imagining what kind of perfume she might wear.
And that’s it for another year. The crown has been laid. Thanks for joining us on the blog, now off to bed with you.
God bless us, everyone.
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