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Winner Conchita Wurst. Frank Augstein

Eurovision 2014 as it happened: Johnny Logan, beards, and glorious Conchita

The winner takes it all.

IT’S CONCHITA’S WORLD, we just live in it!

Europe’s biggest fake tan/hairspray/fist of pure emotion night of music has once again claimed a Eurovision champ.

This time it’s Austria’s Conchita Wurst with Rise Like a Phoenix, and man alive did Conchita rise!

It was an entertaining night all round, with some excellent performances, some deadly one-liners from Marty, a varied interval and most importantly… an appearance by Johnny Logan.

Here’s how it went down:

Are you all sitting comfortably? Are those Minstrels and Monster Munch in bowls?

Do you have the beverages ready for‘s Great Eurovision Drinking Game?

Finally. The big night is here!


Okay, we’re up and running. We got so excited there for a minute we knocked the telly over.

Right now we’ve got the entrants being introduced in the order they’ll be appearing – sans Ireland, sadly :(

Ok so here’s the running order. Got an early favourite? Let us know in the comments:

The running order for the evening is as follows:

1: Ukraine – Mariya Yaremchuk with Tik-Tock

2: Belarus – Teo with Cheesecake

3: Azerbaijan – Dilara Kazimova with Start a Fire

4: Iceland – Pollapönk with No Prejudice

5: Norway – Carl Espen with Silent Storm

6: Romania – Paula Seling & OVI with Miracle

7: Armenia – Aram MP3 with Not Alone

8: Montenegro – Sergej Cetkovic with Moj Svijet

9: Poland – Donatan & Cleo with My Slowianie – We Are Slavic

10: Greece – Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd with Rise Up

11: Austria – Conchita Wurst with Rise Like a Phoenix

12: Germany – Elaiza with Is it right

13: Sweden – Sanna Nielsen with Undo

14: France – TWIN TWIN with Moustache

15: Russia – Tolmachevy Sisters with Shine

16: Italy – Emma with La Mia Città

17: Slovenia – Tinkara Kova? with Round and Round

18: Finland – Softengine with Something Better

19: Spain – Ruth Lorenzo with Dancing in the Rain

20: Switzerland – Sebalter with Hunter of Stars

21: Hungary – András Kállay-Saunders with Running

22: Malta – Firelight with Coming Home

23: Denmark – Basim with Cliche Love Song

24: The Netherlands – The Common Linnets with Calm After the Storm

25: San Marino – Valentina Monetta with Maybe (Forse)

26: United Kingdom – Molly with Children of the Universe

Marty is in flying form. Ukraine is up first with its somewhat baffling hamster wheel and the Wheelo is  looking for “answers on a £5 note” as to why they have the wheel at all.

Anyone? Too many Copenhagen burgers? Need to work it off?

The baffling Ukranian wheel:


GASP! This can’t be, can it? Super cool bearded indie hipster John Grant… and EUROVISION?

Norway up next with their Bon Iver-esque weepy number.

Their lad has a beard. And let us tell you, we are beard  fans here at


Romania! Surround sound piano alert!

Remember it from the other night?


COME OFF IT LADS! Look at his piano!


Early contender for most dedicated Eurovisioner in the comments:


Look at this snazzy carry on from Montenegro.


Two words lads:



Just saying what we’re all thinking:


If you missed it in the semi final the other night, the Polish entry is accompanied by a fairly saucy clothes washing segment.


To be fair though, our hearts will always belong to one white washing icon:


Greece up next. Lots of people are big fans, due to a combination of a catchy tune, and all the lepping around on a trampoline:


There’s some confusion about whether Poland were washing clothes or churning butter.

Shall we ask an expert?


Germany is TERRIBLY boring. We almost nodded off but threw our minds back to The Flatley’s heaving chest of 20 years ago to keep us going.


Sweden up next with one of the favourite songs.

But.. hang on a second:



Clever boy:

France’s entry. Performed by TWIN TWIN. Will someone give their mams a ring so they can have a world about the hair and the rig outs?


More twins, this time from Russia, and they’ve gone a bit Abba on us with their moves.


Exactly Mazzers. Exactly.

Next up is Italy. She’s a big star in her home country, with three hit albums under her belt.

She’s after giving Marty Whelan a FIERCE fright with her slithering around:



Finland up next. There’s a bang of vintage Jason Donovan off that lead singer.


Ruth Lorenzo up next for Spain.

Look familiar? Sure she was on X Factor! Simon fancied the pants off her back in the day.



And as Marty very sensibly points out, Ruth’s singing about ‘Dancing in the Rain’ but:

… her own hair is destroyed with the rain.


People are still reeling from Finland in ‘Playing Actual Song’ shocker.

Meanwhile, in Casa O’Connor:

Hungary are up next with a bit of a misery hole of a song with the mournful refrain:

She cries, cries, cries.

Don’t blame her mate to be honest. This would put years on you.

Mumford and sons representing Malta there. Did anyone catch the swanky little drumstick twirl?

We did:


We’re taking a quick and very scientific look at who people are fancying this year, and we’ve spotted some clear frontrunners:

The Polish washerwomen/butter churners


And Pilou the presenter/lad from Borgen

Netherlands up next, looking very Johnny and June Cash, but sounding very Every Step You Take by The Police.


Actually The Netherlands are a lovely break after all the roaring and shouting of the last few songs.

France, take note.

San Marino was second last, with a frankly forgettable song sung by a woman in a nightdress. Not your year love. (Please don’t win and make us eat our words).

UK is last with a song called Children of the Universe.


A fiver to anyone who’ll concur with us that there was a song in Irish school religion books a million years ago called Children of the Universe.

It went:

This is a call, to the children of the universe, from all forgotten people, in foreign far off lands….

Anyone? ANYONE?

This is the moment when Marty Whelan lost the run of himself and said in a strangled voice:



Okay, so it’s all over, performance-wise.

The presenters have taken some time to thank the commentators, who are positioned in booths around the back of the venue (including our own Marty, who has hopefully managed to control himself).

Even our Lord and saviour Graham Norton is there:


And the voting has opened! We may not be in it, but we can still cast a ballot for who we think was the best.

RTE has all the details


Interval act time!

As Marty points out:

It’s two lads with a ladder. No expense spent.

You cheeky pup!


So what we appear to be getting is a rendition of that Joyful Joyful song from Sister Act Two, sung by Clockwork Orange type characters up ladders.

We’re trying our best to describe it accurately.


Also, Diane Keaton was there:


Next up the presenters sang a song about 12. The number 12.


We’ll bring you a video ASAP, because we’re not quite sure it actually happened to be quite honest. We need to see it again.

The presenters keep making jokes about China. We can’t for the life of us figure out why.



Johnny Logan is in the funny video bit!


Sorry, we got a bit carried away there with the J-Lo sighting.

Pilou (the divil of a host) has taken us on a video tour of Copenhagen’s Eurovision museum, featuring an Abba exhibit, a language school, and in interactive Johnny Logan section.

So much love for the J-Lo. Proper order.

77udf Thejournal Thejournal

The UK lass has been given a Curly Wurly cake.

Forget the Eurovision. Who knew such a thing as a Curly Wurly cake existed? GET THE PRESIDENT ON THE PHONE! MOBILISE THE ARMY! BRING US THE CURLY WURLYS!


The interval continues (and to be fair has been very entertaining, even the Sister Act 2 on the ladders).

Right now we have last year’s winner Emmelie De Forest performing Only Raindrops, which is a tune. We won’t hear another word about it. 


Oh YAY, it’s time for the voting bit!

Hello Dublin, Hello Copenhagen!

Azerbaijan tried to vote for Ireland in the dress rehearsal. Let’s see if it happens again!

Douze points for Russia from Azerbaijan.

And then came the boos….

Nicky Byrne will be delivering the results from Dublin shortly.

There he is there now, look:


They’re FLYING through the results now, and as it stands we have Hungary in the lead. Hmmm. We called it a “misery hole of a song”. We may be forced to eat our words.


Huge boos for the Russian representative, and more boos come with points being awarded to Azerbaijan.

She has a point:

We’ve decided to get #JohnnyLoganForEurovision2015 trending. You know it’s the right thing to do.

Phil-Thumbs-Up Nocookie Nocookie

The Macedonian lad. Who’s he trying to cod with those glasses? Pilou is going to crease himself.


And now the gal from Belarus is singing. Pilou’s about to throw in the towel.


Leaderboard after just over half of the votes are cast:


Conchita is currently in the lead. Her nerves are gone.


Marty Whelan is being unreasonably mean about this lady’s dress, telling her to “go back to her planet” and such. Cranky beggar.


We thought Austria had it in the bag but we spoke too soon. The Netherlands’ very own Johnny and June Cash are right up behind Conchita (Ooo-er).

Ireland gives its top points to the UK, Netherlands and Austria. Well done everyone. A good solid show.


A rap. This lad is rapping. JUST GIVE US THE SCORES!


Here’s Austria’s vote casting lady. This was inevitable, really.



And with three coutries left to vote Conchita can’t be caught:


Quote of the night from Marty:

He won’t get a lot of wear out of that jacket, will he?


Congrats Conchita! A worthy winner!

This night is dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom.

We are unity and we are unstoppable.


We can’t help but feel that Conchita is one tiny step away from breaking up her trophy and throwing it around the room, a la Lindsay Lohan at the end of Mean Girls.

A piece for The Netherlands… a piece for Sweden…

mean-girls-breaking-crown-spring-fling Hellogiggles Hellogiggles

Well, that’s it. Conchita has won. The winner takes it all. Farewell to Eurovision 2014.

And bring on #JohnnyLoganForEurovision2015


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