HOW TO GET a girlfriend? It’s a question that many of us have devoted hours of thought to.
This may or may not have been while lying on our single beds staring up at a ceiling covered in posters of Lightning from The Gladiators.
(Best teapot impression this side of Denby.)
Luckily, the internet has the answer to our prayers. Because the internet knows how to seduce a woman. Oh yes.
1. To meet a girl, get invited to parties
Do this by sounding like you think “parties” are some kind of quaint local custom, and you learned English from the Douchebag Phrasebook (1996 edition).
2. Alternatively, you could try befriending elderly men
They MAY have sexy granddaughters.
If it doesn’t look like things are going right, just hit ‘em with the old “I’m a friend of your grandfather” line. Bam!
3. Play cool when you meet her
In the effort to avoid becoming distracted by boobies, try not to implode.
You can think about golf, or Spongebob, or whatever.
4. This thought should never, ever happen
If you are having this specific, bondage-related dilemma, you are doing it wrong.
5. ‘Break The Touch Barrier’
Um, on second thoughts, maybe leave the touch barrier right where it is.
6. Surefire conversational tricks
Either (a) Tell her she’s in your ‘Cool Book’:
(There is NOTHING women like better than being in your Cool Book.)
Or (b) Inform her that she is overweight, and could do with losing a few pounds.
7. Once the conversation gets going, twirl her like a ballerina
“It’s like the cat nip of attracting women.” Also, women are like damp clothes in the dryer. If in doubt, give her a few more goes around.
8. And remember…
Also, saying “I’m not into futures” is frowned upon in both fields.
9. Now, if you set the mood right…
(by turning off all the heating and the lights)
10. … It’s kissing time!
And here’s a possible technique.
11. Taking it further?
Feel free to use this handy map of the female erogenous zones.
The trusty armpit/shin-bone/heel combination. Some call it the Holy Trinity of seduction.
12. So you’re in a steady relationship. What to watch out for?
Two things. Firstly, she may exist in the world of 1998 (also known as “the Geocities Era):
Secondly, dating a woman is much like being repeatedly pee’d on by a dog.
Now you know all there is to know. Go get ‘em, champ!
He’s got a girlfriend. Just look at him. (Shutterstock)
In case you haven’t been listening, here’s THIS GUY to explain it all to you in his own special way:
They don’t call him awsomeguy711 for nothing. High five, awsomeguy.