THE ELECTION IS tomorrow and by now, you probably know who you’re going to cast your vote for.
Before you go to the polls, however, we’d like to present the DailyEdge.ie 2016 Election Manifesto, a document that outlines our vision for the next five years.
Give us a preference on the day, yeah?
We will let everyone in the country spin the Winning Streak wheel at least once over the next five years.
We will institute a ban on Enda Kenny being anywhere near fowl or poultry.
We will introduce a mandatory prison sentence for people who arrive up at your door unannounced.
Would it have killed you to send a text? Now I’m standing here at the door in my dressing gown and I feel like a clown.
We will increase the audience capacity of The Toy Show and ensure every Irish citizen gets to attend at least once over the course of their lifetime.
We will add an extra ‘e’ to the end of Sudocrem to clear up confusion over its pronunciation once and for all.
And people who pronounce issues as “iss-yews” will be slapped with a hefty fine.
People who comment “Who?” or “Why is this news?” on articles about celebrities will have their internet access temporarily cut off.
Similarly, those who use the hashtag #TheBoyDidGood will also experience slow internet until they have learned their lesson.
We will establish an inquiry to get to the bottom of this tweet and find out once and for all if Eoin ever did in fact collect the eggs.
We will institute harsh penalties for establishments who fail to serve beans in a ramekin.
Deli counter staff will be required to use different knives for different condiments.
Never again will a butter knife be tainted with a big glob of mayonnaise.
Any Dublin Bus/Bus Éireann passenger who insists on sitting beside you when there are loads of free seats available will be sent to prison.
Irish people over the age of 19 will be banned from asking the question, “How many points did you get in your Leaving Cert?”
And anyone who insists on including it on their LinkedIn profile will be forced to do community service.
We will introduce a national anthem that everyone knows the words to.
Some contenders: Put ‘Em Under Pressure, Maniac 2000, Where’s Your Jumper? and Body II Body.
Anyone who fails to indicate on a roundabout will be slapped with a lifetime driving ban.
We will make sure Dublin Bus Real Time actually operates in our time zone and *not* the parallel dimension it’s been operating in all this time.
We will personally ensure that all Aer Lingus flights carry Tayto sandwiches on board.
And finally, we will erect a statue in honour of The Man Who Slipped On The Ice and host a year-long commemoration in 2020 to mark the 10th anniversary.
A true national hero.
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