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Dear Fifi: My husband claims he's just good friends with his female boss... But I'm suspicious

Dear Fifi, DailyEdge.ie’s resident advice columnist, is back once again with the ill behaviour.

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“Do you remember? Dancing in September, never was a cloudy day.” Evidently Earth, Wind & Fire never spent the month in Ireland. 

Autumn is officially here, and that means darker days. Shed a little light on your problems – get in touch and tell me all about them anonymously

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Dear Fifi,

I’ve been married a year and with my partner for 4 years. The first 3 and a half years were fantastic. Since Easter my husband as moved to a new job and now has a female boss. From the day he moved jobs, they hit it off. They text everyday outside of work, go to lunch together during work and he rings her on the way home from the gym.

He says that they are just really good mates because they have similar personalities and he only looks at her “like a bloke”. He said there are no feelings there whatsoever. I’m really struggling to accept this new friendship and it’s starting to cause a problem.

Hmm. This is a tricky one. On the one hand, if this friendship was with a male boss, you’d be unlikely to feel such feelings of discomfort. On the other, there’s no point pretending that platonic friendships aren’t often slightly more complicated than ones with no potential for mutual attraction. (There’s no hard and fast rule here and I am a fierce champion of co-ed mates, but we all know the possible shades of grey.)

That said, you’re a newlywed at the end of the day. You’re not being unreasonable to find this intense friendship a little strange in the early days of your marriage specifically. This is a time when you should be wrapped up in one another and embarking on your new life, not tending to intense friendships out of the blue.

I’ll say this: the one thing working in your husband’s favour is that you know all about their friendship and their levels of contact. That does indicate he has nothing to hide and is being transparent with you about it. But equally, their interactions seem excessive by any friendship’s standards. Go with your gut on that.

Have you met this woman yourself? If not, maybe ask for the three of you to hang out. You’ll be able to tell a lot from how that goes as regards general chemistry and a gut feeling. Plus, seeing her in the flesh might help demystify her and remove some of the kneejerk wariness.

Secondly, are you feeling a little neglected outside of this? Does his attention to this other woman take away from his consideration towards you and your feelings as his new wife? If the answer is no and your own relationship is great, then ask yourself: why does it bother you?

If you doubt that he’s being fully up-front about their relationship, or feel it’s actively detracting from your own fledgling marriage, then it’s absolutely worth sitting down and having a frank talk with him about how this makes you feel. From there, it all depends on how he reacts. Good luck – and congrats by the way!

Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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