WE’RE ALL AWARE that Gwyneth Paltrow operates on an, erm, different plane to most people. Nothing proves that more than the gift guide her website, Goop, put together for the 2015 holiday season.
“Whether you want to spend $8 or $8000,” she says, “we’ve rounded up some of the most stunning and appealing gift options around.”
They’re stunning alright. But probably not for the reasons she envisioned.
1. World View Exploration at the Edge of Space, $90,000
From Goop:
We don’t know how it works, but we want it.
We don’t know how it works either, but we’re TERRIFIED.
2. Fire starter kit, $16
This one is perfect for an office Secret Santa present, says Goop. Just imagine the looks on your colleagues’ faces when you offer them a €14 bag of sticks.
3. ‘Consciously uncoupled’ key ring, $15
OK, we kind of love her for this. You win this round, Gwyn.
4. Toilet paper, $956
…Aaaand we’re back to where we started. Gwyneth. We need to have words.
5. A toothpaste squeezer, $244
Designed to help you save money on toothpaste. The irony.
6. Vintage ball and chain, $1,500
To give to your spouse! Because, you know! LOL at my thousand-dollar gag gift, spouse!
7. Porcelain sea sponge things, $225
J Schatz takes real sea sponges and dips them in porcelain slip.
We were honestly at a loss here until we realised it is ART. OK, then.
8. A vagina steamer seat, $55
OK, so it’s not the most ridiculous thing cost-wise, but try telling your girlfriend on Christmas morning that Gwyneth Paltrow recommends she steam-clean her vagina.
9. Gilded playing cards, $2,300
Your game of Kings just got fancy.
10. Himalayan rock salt and grater set, $29.95
Not a jury in the land would convict you for decking someone with a salt grater.
11. ‘Graphite horse’, $63
This is a pencil, and we clearly know nothing about the world.
12. A ‘survival kit’, $12,500
Containing night vision goggles, a satellite phone, and enough food and water to last two weeks. Is Gwyn trying to tell us something? Is the apocalypse imminent?
13. This jellyfish tank, $1,621
Unhelpfully, Goop does not know where to get the jellyfish.
14. ‘Post-poo drops‘, $29
“Dear loved one, your poos are smelly. This should sort you out. Happy Christmas!”
15. And these 18-carat gold dumbbells, $125,000
Nah. We’re done.
