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15 ridiculous things Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to buy for Christmas

Eighteen carat gold dumbbells. Really.

2014 amfAR LA Inspiration Gala - Hollywood Source: AP/Press Association Images

WE’RE ALL AWARE that Gwyneth Paltrow operates on an, erm, different plane to most people. Nothing proves that more than the gift guide her website, Goop, put together for the 2015 holiday season.

“Whether you want to spend $8 or $8000,” she says, “we’ve rounded up some of the most stunning and appealing gift options around.”

They’re stunning alright. But probably not for the reasons she envisioned.

1. World View Exploration at the Edge of Space, $90,000

NMO5645_mx Source: Neiman Marcus

From Goop:

We don’t know how it works, but we want it.

We don’t know how it works either, but we’re TERRIFIED.

2. Fire starter kit, $16

Salvaged-Cedar-Fire-Starter-Kit-long-burning Source: Kaufmann Mercantile

This one is perfect for an office Secret Santa present, says Goop. Just imagine the looks on your colleagues’ faces when you offer them a €14 bag of sticks.

3. ‘Consciously uncoupled’ key ring, $15

crimson_white_2826528b-3c69-4565-bd92-fb6b956eb008_large Source: Various Keytags

OK, we kind of love her for this. You win this round, Gwyn.

4. Toilet paper, $956

standard-jose Source: Joseph's Toiletries

…Aaaand we’re back to where we started. Gwyneth. We need to have words.

5. A toothpaste squeezer, $244

CEMI15TOO313_TRA_1 Source: Wallpaper

Designed to help you save money on toothpaste. The irony.

6. Vintage ball and chain, $1,500

ballandchain Source: Blackman Cruz

To give to your spouse! Because, you know! LOL at my thousand-dollar gag gift, spouse!

7. Porcelain sea sponge things, $225

seaspongewhite_grande Source: J Schatz

J Schatz takes real sea sponges and dips them in porcelain slip.

We were honestly at a loss here until we realised it is ART. OK, then.

8. A vagina steamer seat, $55

steamerseat Source: Vibrant Souls

OK, so it’s not the most ridiculous thing cost-wise, but try telling your girlfriend on Christmas morning that Gwyneth Paltrow recommends she steam-clean her vagina.

9. Gilded playing cards, $2,300

gilded Source: Just One Eye

Your game of Kings just got fancy.

10. Himalayan rock salt and grater set, $29.95

himalayan-rock-salt-and-grater-set Source: CB2

Not a jury in the land would convict you for decking someone with a salt grater.

11. ‘Graphite horse’, $63

original Source: Batle Studio

This is a pencil, and we clearly know nothing about the world.

12. A ‘survival kit’, $12,500

survival_kit_image Source: Just One Eye

Containing night vision goggles, a satellite phone, and enough food and water to last two weeks. Is Gwyn trying to tell us something? Is the apocalypse imminent?

13. This jellyfish tank, $1,621

poellarts2_horizontale-510x600 Source: Darwin Sect

Unhelpfully, Goop does not know where to get the jellyfish.

14. ‘Post-poo drops‘, $29

apc_post-poo_drops_100ml_1 Source: Aesop

“Dear loved one, your poos are smelly. This should sort you out. Happy Christmas!”

15. And these 18-carat gold dumbbells, $125,000

golddumbbells Source: Moda Operandi

Nah. We’re done.

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