YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, IT was announced that we’re finally getting a Love Actually sequel.
Well, kind of. The cast is reuniting for a short film that will be screened as part of this year’s Comic Relief.
And we’re hoping that it goes some way towards answering these questions…
1. Why does Laura Linney wear this hat to a wedding?
This is not the sort of hat you wear to a wedding. This is the sort of hat you wear while walking the dog when you really don’t want to have to talk to anybody.
Also why doesn’t she take the damn hat off? Is it really that cold?
2. How in God’s name is Liam Neeson horny for Claudia Schiffer when his beloved wife has been dead for, oh, three weeks???
We don’t want to tell people how to grieve, but have a bit of respect, man.
3. Why is Portugal presented as, like, a backward hellhole that one needs to escape?
Once Colin Firth decides that he’s going to marry his Portuguese cleaner, he visits Portugal to seek the permission of her father. (A little bit antiquated, but we’ll allow it.)
After the father makes some very derogatory remarks about her less attractive sister, it becomes clear that they’re making Portugal out to be a backwards country that treats women like, I don’t know, cattle?
Very weird representation of Portugal!
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4. What on Earth does this woman have against poor Martine McCutcheon?
This is Annie. She serves as some sort of adviser to Prime Minister Hugh Grant. Just think of her as the Kellyanne Conway of 10 Downing Street.
For some inexplicable reason, Annie hates Martine McCutcheon and picks on her weight wherever possible. In particular, she calls out her “sizeable arse” and “huge thighs” during a conversation about the Prime Minister.
Why does she say these things? Did Martine McCutcheon not put enough Splenda in her tea or something?
5. And why doesn’t Martine McCutcheon slap Hugh Grant in the face as soon as he says this to her?
“I weigh a lot? Well, you’re a sad bachelor Prime Minister who scored his tea lady at his niece and nephew’s Christmas show, so go and shite.”
*Respect by Aretha Franklin starts playing*
(Seriously, though, why does Richard Curtis insist on commenting on women’s weight?)
6. Why does Martin McCutcheon’s character say “piss it”?
That’s… not a thing people say.
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7. Why is Colin Firth still working off a typewriter in 2003?
Let us tell you about this thing called a computer, Colin. It’ll change your life. (Oh, and if you absolutely insist working off a typewriter outside, please invest in a paperweight at the very least.)
8. Why doesn’t Keira Knightley’s husband ever ask why the carol singers had backing music or sounded suspiciously like a recording?
*thinking face emoji*
9. Why don’t we ever get a satisfactory ending for these two?
Laura Linney’s entire arc: she fancies a fella and still fails to get the ride. Tragic.
