SOME PEOPLE OVER-SHARE on Facebook. Fine. We can get on board with the constant checking in, photos and statuses about your cosy Friday night in.
BUT, we draw the line at hitting the ‘share’ button on this lot.
1. The Abs challenge
You know the one. It’s the new thing infesting Facebook feeds all over the land.
Share this and have abs like those in 30 days.
What they really mean:
“In theory, this looks do-able. But sharing it is as far as I’m gonna get and I can still feel entitled to results. Brilliant!”
This is more our kind of plan.
2. Quiz results
Usually only shared when the result is pleasing, e.g. the celebrity you most resemble is Ryan Gosling or your IQ actually exceeds the Mensa quota.
What they’re really trying to say:
Me and Jennifer Lawrence totally WOULD be best friends. Look, this quiz said so!
3. Hysterical scams or warnings
QUICK. Why is everyone else ignoring this??
What they really mean:
My hand slipped and I hit this button before I got a chance to doubt things. You’re welcome.
I love it though.
4. Spotify streaming
Check out my cool tunes. What can I say, I’m a cool guy.
What they’re REALLY listening to:
We KNOW you switch to private session when S Club 7 is on repeat. We even respect those who leave it on during their guilty pleasures that little bit more.
5. Events you’re going to
Every obscure gallery opening or hip underground indie rave invite will be attended and shared because I’m just so well rounded.
Oh no, they’ve combined.
What they really mean:
I’m not going to most of these but you thinking I will is good enough.
6. Exercise and run status apps
LOOK HOW ACTIVE I AM.
LOOK.
What they really mean:
All praise welcome. Also, I’m better than you.
7. Games they’re playing
Candy Crush saga, Sims Social, even the odd few who are stuck in the days of Farmville.
They go into that app and it’s an avalanche of points and rewards and levels that will bury you alive.
What they really mean:
“I didn’t know you had to turn that off.”
8. Inspirational or romantic quotes
This is pretty. It will also keep people guessing as to what’s up with me or who I’m referring to. Perfect.
What they really mean:
“Oh my God I want them back but my constant liking and unliking of their photos isn’t working.”
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9. Unrealistic competitions
Those three words beside any Facebook competition. Like. Share. Win.
We propose a third.
NO.
100 rare iPhone 7s didn’t fall off the back of a truck and you won’t win one if you like and share that photo. Sorry.
