SEXTING, EH? WHAT’s the best way to go about it?
Well for one thing, don’t listen to the internet. The advice out there is TERRIBLE.
1. Sexting is not for everyone
The lesson here. If a lady gives you her number, it DOESN’T necessarily means she wants to get “tinking bout u wat r u wering” at 2am. She may just be a taxi dispatcher, or the florist for your wedding.
2. Don’t go straight for the willy picture
Fellas, your penis is not a conversation starter. It just isn’t. The only time it should ever start a conversation is when there’s something wrong with it and you’re at the doctor – and even then, it’s best to give it a bit of an introduction.
Also if your manhood looks ANYTHING like a coffee table book – let’s say Earth From The Air – you should visit that doctor immediately.
3. Instead, paint a picture with words
Got that? If you describe your little guy as being like this demonic reptile whose only friend is an evil wizard who looks like his head has been circumcised, it MAY be a turnoff. Maybe. Just saying.
4. But if you DO take a photo, be professional about it
Adjust the lighting. Make sure your lad is in a flattering shadow. Maybe throw on a bit of rouge for the camera.
If you ever want to bring all sexual chemistry to an immediate end, try referring to your penis as your “little guy”, like a kindly nurse talking to a six-year-old.
5. Apparently some people will be checking out your interior design instead of your pride and joy
If your partner is more interested in your curtains than your naughty parts, you are either in a relationship with the host off Grand Designs (in which case, more power to you), or you have made a terrible, terrible mistake.
Reconsider immediately. And maybe get some new curtains while you’re at it – those are disgusting.
6. Don’t get confused between sex and dinner
OK, a word of wisdom. If ‘trying out sex toys’ suggests dinner to you, you either need to slow the hell down or seriously re-examine your diet.
7. Don’t address your sexting partner like your Da
Yes. It’s also ‘super awk’ ALWAYS, because calling your man ‘Daddy’ is the sexual equivalent of pouring a bucket of ice water into his Penneys boxers and asking him to call his grandma. Seriously?
8. If you’re a girl, ask him about the size of his shopping purchases
Ladies! Asking your fella about the size of his new pair of shoes/microwave/Ikea table lamp – WINKY FACE – is a surefire way to heat things up!
Oh wait, no it isn’t. It’ll make you look completely bonkers. WINKY FACE.
9. But remember! Your man is stupid
Bad idea: “Your concupiscence renders my very protoplasm immanent with carnality.”
Good idea: “Ride me. No, don’t talk.”
10. Don’t get your brother-in-law involved
Actually, this should be the first rule of sexting: never, ever do it with your brother-in-law.
11. And finally…
We would have thought this would go without saying, but hey. There’s just no way to do it gracefully, is there? AAAAAEEEEEEEEaaaaaAAAAAaaaah… never mind.
