1. Consulting local radio for details on the funeral
“WLR FM has been informed of the following deaths…”
*grabs pen and listens intently for details*
2. Followed by endless conversations about whether you’re going to the mass or the burial
Once the details of the funeral are confirmed, you will have countless conversations about whether you’re going to the mass or the funeral (or indeed both).
And don’t forget all the talk about who’s giving who a lift and speculating who will or will not show their face at the funeral.
3. Having the world’s longest cup of tea “up in the house”
Before you know it, you’re holding a cup of cold milky tea.
4. Standing next to the coffin and commenting how the person “looks like himself”
And commending the undertaker on doing “a lovely job”.
5. Muttering “Sorry for your troubles” so many times that it gradually loses meaning and begins to sound like “Sorferyertroubles”
And it always, always, always has to be muttered in a way that suggests you’re a farmer from the Midlands who has never hugged his father. “Sorferyertroubles”.
6. Sussing out who’s who with extended family and friends
“That’s Alan’s young one now, is it? God, she’s after growing into herself.”
See also: your Mam pointing at people and informing you that they’re your second cousin.
7. Sniggering as a child does something vaguely inappropriate in the middle of the Mass
Children screaming “Mammy!” during a particularly inopportune moment is as much of a funeral tradition as the sandwiches.
8. Spending time outside the church conducting a post-funeral analysis on the priest’s performance
A good 15 minutes needs to be allotted for a good in-depth analysis on whether or not it was “a lovely mass”.
9. Racing to the afters to get a sandwich
“DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE!”
10. And giving out about the others who get there before you
“You wouldn’t be dead and buried, and she’d be off getting her lunch at your expense,” you say as you bite into a disappointing ham and tomato sandwich.
11. Absolutely laying into pints afterwards and feeling slightly guilty about it
Should I really have pints at a funeral? Ah, I’m sure everyone will have pints when I die.
*orders another Guinness*
12. Sharing lovely/funny/inappropriate stories about the deceased person
The best part of any Irish funeral.
<3
