HEALTH WISE, JANUARY is not the best month. If you’re not coming down with something, you definitely know someone who is.
See if you can identify which type cold you’re experiencing.
The Threatener
There’s a slight ache in your throat and you could swear that your glands (or at least what you think are your glands) are swollen. Uh oh. You’ve got a dose coming on.
Or maybe you don’t. The threatener can hang around for a couple of weeks and never actually amount to anything. But you will be afraid. Oh yes, you will be afraid.
SYMPATHY LEVEL: 2
The Sniffler
You’re not full on sick, but you’re leaking like a tap.
You sit at your desk/on your couch, sniffing away knowing that the moment at which someone roars at you to ‘GET A BLOODY TISSUE’ is only moments away.
SYMPATHY LEVEL: 4
The Sneezer
This one is a real annoyance. You don’t actually feel that sick, but you are sneezing like there’s no tomorrow. Every half an hour or so, it arrives, a fit which draws stares and requires you to wipe off your computer screen or apologise to all around you.
‘I’d rather be properly sick!’ you proclaim to all and sundry!
SYMPATHY LEVEL: 3
The hacker
While you may be experiencing some head aches and sniffles, the cough is the real proprietor of this bad boy. And it’s bad… oh is it bad.
Watch as people recoil with horror while you cough… no bark, for minutes on end. You may joke about the plague, or the black lung, but nothing can truly conceal the embarrassment this thrusts upon you.
SYMPATHY LEVEL: 4-6 (Sinks to 4 when cough becomes annoying.)
The clog
The clog is everywhere. Your ears, your nose, your eyes. Suddenly all the fluid within your body appears to have turned into gloop which oozes from you in every direction.
Your tissue becomes an extension of your arm, and you feel as though your head is underwater.
SYMPATHY LEVEL: 7
The All In One
One nostril is clogged, the other is dripping. You’re sneezing, you’re coughing, it’s the whole shebang.
You’ve got a proper cold, but you’re not really sick enough to stay home from work. This is truly miserable.
SYMPATHY LEVEL: 8
The Surrenderer
It’s over. You’re suffering from all of the above symptoms while aching all over and sweating all the time whether you feel freezing or boiling.
It’s all you can do to pick up a facecloth to mop your perspiring brow. You are officially sick. Go home. Go to bed. Feel sorry for yourself.
SYMPATHY LEVEL: 10
