SUE TOWNSEND, THE author of the Adrian Mole series of books and The Queen And I, has died at the age of 68.
Mole, her early 1980s creation, told his millions of readers about his life in diary form, with the series of books taking him all the way up to his forties.
Here we honour some of his most memorable quotes and thoughts from his teenage years, from his family troubles, to the love of his life Pandora Brathwaite, his elderly friend Bert Baxter, his nemesis Barry Kent… and the dog.
Adrian Mole on his parents
My parents are eating different things at different times, so I usually have six meals a day because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
My parents had selfishly chosen a ‘No under-eighteens’ bar. At 1.30 my father came out with a bottle of Vimto and a packet of crisps for me.
My father went on a sea fishing trip today with the Society of Redundant Electric Storage Heater Salesmen.
My mother went to see the Bank Manager this morning. I persuaded her to put on a loose dress so that he wouldn’t know she was pregnant.
Adrian Mole on Pandora
There is a new girl in our class. She is all right. Her name is Pandora, but she likes being called ‘Box’. Don’t ask me why.
I might fall in love with her. It’s time I fell in love, after all I am 13 3/4 years old.
Touched Pandora’s bust again. This time I think I felt something soft.
Pandora looked dead erotic in her black wetsuit and crash helmet. And for the first time in yonks I felt my thing moving on its own.
Adrian Mole on the Royal Wedding
Lady Diana melted my heart strings in her dirty white dress. She even helped an old man up the aisle.
Prince Charles looked quite handsome in spite of his ears.
Adrian Mole on school life
Told Mr Jones I couldn’t do P.E as I have swollen nipples. He was extremely crude in his attitude.
None of the teachers at school have noticed that I am an intellectual. They will be sorry when I am famous.
Adrian Mole on St Patrick’s Day
Can’t sleep for the noise of Irish bagpipes leaking out of the O’Learys’ house.
A police car has just left the O’Learys’ house with Sean O’Leary in the back of it. Sean looked quite cheerful.
Adrian Mole on his nemesis Barry Kent
Barry Kent has committed educational suicide by wearing his Hell’s Angels clothes to school.
I am halfway through writing an exposé on Barry Kent. It’s called Barry Kent: The Truth. It will rock the school to its foundations.
I was seriously menaced at school today. Barry Kent threw my snaplock executive brief-case on to the rugby pitch.
Adrian Mole on joining Barry Kent’s gang
Spent the evening outside the Chinese chip shop chucking prawn crackers about with the gang. I haven’t read a book in ages.
Grandma rang and said that it was all around the Evergreens that I was ‘keeping bad company’. She made me go round for tea.
Adrian Mole on his best friend Nigel
Nigel has formed a Gay Club at school. He is the only member so far, but it will be interesting to see who else joins.
I noticed Brain Box Henderson hovering around the poster looking worried.
Adrian Mole on the Christmas Nativity play
Mr Scruton threatened to cancel the play if Mary, alias Pandora, continued to go into simulated labour in the manger.
Though I think it was a mistake to have a live donkey in the church.
Adrian Mole on Easter
Poor Jesus, it must have been dead awful for him. I wouldn’t have the guts to do it myself.
Adrian Mole on the dog
I went to see how the dog is. It has had its operation. The vet showed me a plastic bag with lots of yukky things in it. There was a lump of coal, the fir tree from the Christmas cake, and the model pirate’s from my father’s ship.
The dog is in trouble! It knocked a meter-reader off his bike and messed all the cards up. So now we will all end up in court, I expect.
Adrian Mole’s poetry
Pandora!
I adore ya.
I implore ye
Don’t ignore me.
Oh! My love,
My heart is yearning,
My mouth is dry,
My soul is burning.
You’re in Tunisia,
I am here.
Remember me and shed a tear.
Come back tanned and brown and healthy.
You’re lucky that your dad is wealthy.
Bert, you are dead old.
Fond of Sabre, beetroot and Woodbines.
We have nothing in common,
I am fourteen and a half,
You are eighty-nine.
You smell, I don’t.
Why we are friends
Is a mystery to me.
Adrian Mole on Culture
There’s a new channel on television. It’s called Channel 4 and it’s for minorities, like intellectuals and people who belong to jigsaw clubs.
Now I know I am an intellectual. I saw Malcolm Muggeridge on the television last night, and I understood nearly every word. It all adds up. A bad home, poor diet, not liking punk. I think I will join the library and see what happens.
Adrian Mole on life
Reasons for living: Things might get better. Reasons for not living: You die anyway. Life is nothing but anguish.
I used to be the sort of boy who had sand kicked in his face, now I’m the sort of boy who watches somebody else have it kicked in their face.
RIP Sue Townsend 1946 – 2014
